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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. 

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UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 



J?rtce 10 <3ents* 








New York: 

J. S. OGILVIE AND COMPANY, 

31 Rose Street. 



YOUMAN'S 

DICTIONARY 

OF 

Every- Day Wants. 

Containing 20,000 Receipts in Every Department of Human 
Effort. 

BY A. E. YOTJMAJNL M. D. 

Royal Octayt), 530 Pages. Price ia CM, $4.00; Leaner, $4.75 



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SOIMIIE 



FUNNY THINGS 



SAID BY 



Clever Children. 



Edited by FRANK HARRISON. 



Copyright, 1886, by J. S. Ogilvie & Co. 




NEW YORK! 

J. S. OGILVIE & COMPANY, 

31 Rose Street, 



Some Funny Things 

SAID BY CLEVER CHILDREN. 



Johnny attends school, which will explain the following 
brief dialogue between him and his father : 

" Johnny, I didn't know you got whipped the other 
day." 

" You didn't ? Well, if you'd been in my breeches you'd 
have known it." 



The reason an urchin gave for being late at school was, 
that the boy in the next house was going to have a dress- 
ing down with a trunk-strap, and he wanted to hear him 
howl. 



A little girl, being asked to what church her mother be- 
longed, said the "Lutheran." ''And your father?" said 
the questioner. " He's nothing," said she ; and then 
added, "and not much of that." 



Several little Sabbath-school pupils were riding together 
in a carriage. Happening to pass an apple-tree little 
Nellie asked, with serious face, " Auntie, how did God 
make apples ? " To which, as quick as thought, little Ida 
replied, "Just like He made light : He said, 'Let there 
be apples,' and there was apples." 

" Maj" said a little girl, " if you'll let me buy some 
candy I'll be so good !" " My child," solemnly responded 
the mother, "you should not be good for pay." "Why, 
ma," exclaimed the child, "you wouldn't like me to be 
good for nothing." 



4 SOME FUNNY THINGS. 

A confirmed tippler remarked in the presence of his 
little son that at one period he didn't touch a drop for 
two years. " Pa," said the little fellow, "was that your 
first two years ? " 



A little child was addressed by a gentleman the other 
day. '-' How old are you, my dear ?" he asked. "Old ? " 
said the child, indignantly, " I'm not old at all ; I'm quite 

young." 



A friend, who had some unexpected visitors, and was 
bothered about not having enough cake, concluded she 
would not buy any more, and told the two little children, 
Willie and Russell, not to ask for cake, and do without 
their share. When at the table, Willie was a little "pouty," 
and not wanting to eat anything. Russell, seeing him, said 
in the hearing of the whole company : " What's the mat- 
ter, Willie ? Did mother tell you not to ask for cake, 
too ?" 



A little ten-year-old miss told her mother that she was 
never going to marry, but meant to be a widow ; because 
widows dressed in such nice black, and always looked so 
happy. 



" Who made you ?" inquired a lady teacher of a lub- 
berly boy who had lately joined her class. 

" I don't know," said he. 

" Don't know ! You ought to be ashamed of yourself ! 
A boy fourteen years old. Why, there's Dickey Felton ; 
he's only three ; he can tell, I dare say. Come here, 
Dickey. Who made you ?" 

God," lisped the infant prodigy. 

"There !" said the teacher, triumphantly. " I knew he 
would remember." 

"Well, he oughter," said the stupid boy ; " 'taint but 
a little while ago since he was made." 

" Freddy," said his maiden aunt, "you should eat the 
barley in your soup, or you'll never get a man." Freddy, 
looking up, innocently inquired : " Is that what you eat it 
it for, aunty ?" 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 5 

An old lady, possessed of a fine fortune, and noted for 
her penchant for the use of figurative expressions, one 
day assembled her grandchildren, when the following 
conversation took place : " My children," said the old 
lady, " I am the root and you are the branches." 
"Grandma," says one. "What, my child?" "I was 
thinking how much better the branches would flourish if 
the root was underground." 



" My son," said a father to his son, who was taking off 
the outer portion of a piece of cheese, "I eat rind." 
" All right," replied young hopeful* " I'm cutting this off 
for you." 



Father (to his little son, who has just handed him the 
teacher's report of progress and conduct for the last 
month) : "This report is very unsatisfactory ; I'm not at 
all pleased with it !" 

Little So?i : " I told the teacher I thought you wouldn't 
be, but he wouldn't alter it." 



A little boy, whose father was a rather immoderate 
drinker of the moderate kind, one day sprained his 
wrist, and his mother utilized the whiskey in her hus- 
band's bottle by bathing the little fellow's wrist with it. 
After awhile the pain began to abate, and the child sur- 
prised his mother by exclaiming, " Ma, has pa got a . 
sprained throat ?" 



A gentleman was engaged in teaching mutes. He was 
explaining by signs the use and meaning -of the particle 
" dis" and requested one of them to write on the black- 
board a sentence showing her knowledge of the sense of 
the prefix. A bright little one immediately stepped for- 
ward and wrote the following : " Boys love to play, but 
girls to display." 

A little girl, suffering from rheumatism, was crying 
piteously, when her father, thinking to divert her mind 
from the pain, said, " Mamie, I've just been to see your 
cousin Joe, and he has the measles." She at once cried 
out, " Why didn't he send me some ?" 



6 SOME FUNNY THINGS. 

" Come here, my little Eddy," said a gentleman to a 
youngster of seven years of age, while sitting in the par- 
lor, where a large company was assembled, " Do you know 
me?" "Yes, sir, I think I do." "Who am I, then ? " 
"You are the man that kissed sister Belle, last night in the 
conservatory." 

There is nothing so difficult as to ascertain, with any 
degree of preciseness, how many summers a lady has en- 
joyed after she has passed the rubicon of youth. Some- 
time ago a lady who, when young, was much flattered for 
her beauty, but who, although somewhat advanced in life, 
was as much a coquette as ever, paid a visit to a gentle- 
man, a very old friend of hers, who thoughtlessly asked 
her "age. She replied, "Twenty-eight years." "But, 
madam, how old is that young man, your son, who is 
with you? " rejoined the gentleman. The boy, answering 
for his youthful parent, replied, " I am a year older than 
my mamma ' " 



Minnie (her kitten being dead) : "Has Pussy gone to 
Heaven, Papa?" Papa : "No, darling." "Why not?" 
"They don't want cats in Heaven." Minnie : " Would 
they scratch the angels ?" 

" Bobby, what does your father do for a living ? " 
"He's a philanthropist, sir." "A what?" "A philan- 
thropist, sir : he collects money for Central Africa, and 
builds houses with it." 



"Mamma," said little Lydia, "ought teacher to flog 
me for something I have not done ? " " No, my dear ; 
why do you ask ? " " Cause she flogged me to-day when I 
didn't do my sum." 

A butcher-boy in Washington Market says he has often 
heard of the /ore quarters of the globe, but never heard 
any person say anything about the hind quarters. 

" Please, I wan't to buy a dollar's worth of hay." 

" Is it for your father ?" 

" Oh, no ; it's for the horse ; father doesn't eat hay !" 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 7 

A schoolboy was asked by his teacher to give an ex- 
ample of earnestness. He looked bothered for a moment, 
but his face brightened like the dewdrops glistening on 
the leaves of the rose in early morning as he delivered 
himself of the following happy thought : "When you see 
a boy engaged on a mince-pie till his nose touches the 
middle raisin, and his ears drop on the outer crusts, you 
may know he has got it !" 



An indignant parent, in rebuking a refractory son, ex- 
claimed : " Remember who you are talking to, sir ! I'm 
your father !" To which the youth rejoined : " Oh, come 
now, I hope you ain't goin' to blame me for that !" 



" Home's the place for boys," said a stern parent to his 
son, who was fond of going out at night. 

" That's just what I think when you drive me off to 
school every morning," said the son. 



A Sunday-school boy was asked by the superintendent 
if his father was a Christian. " Yes, sir," he replied ; 
"but he's not working at it much." 



Freddy is a little one of seven years' growth, the sonfof 
a minister, who, with his wife, has just arrived at a new 
field of labor. Hearing his mother say to his father that 
she had been deceived by his saying the parsonage was a 
three-story building, when in fact, it was only two, he 
said, "Ma?" "Well, Freddy." " The kitchen is one." 
" Yes." " This floor's two, and the story that pa told 
is three." 



"Oh, Aunty," cried little Amy in the nursery yester- 
day, "make Freddy behave himself ; every time I happen 
to hit him on the head with the mallet he bursts out cry- 
ing." 



Johnny was telling his mamma how he was going to 
dress and show off when he was a man. His mamma 
asked, " Johnny, what do you expect to do for a living 
when you get to be a man ?" " Well, I'll get married, 
and lodge with my wife's pa." 



8 SOME FUNNY THINGS. 

A little boy, who was to pass the afternoon with a 
neighbor's little daughter, was given two pieces of candy. 
When he returned his mother asked if he gave the larger 
piece to the little girl. " No, mamma, I didn't. You 
told me always to give the biggest piece to company, and 
I was company over there." 



Mother : " Now, Gerty, be a good girl, and give Aunt 
Julia a kiss and say good night." 

Gerty : " No, no ! If I kiss her she'll box my ears, like 
she did papa's last night." 

A boy of twelve, dining at his uncle's, made such a 
good dinner that his aunt observed, " Johnny, you appear 
to eat well." "Yes, auntie," replied the urchin, "I've 
been practicing eating all my life." 



A yomig Minister : "What's a miracle ?" 

Boy : " Dunno." 

Minister : " Well, if the sun were to shine in the mid- 
dle of the night what should you say it was ?" 

Boy: "The moon." 

Mi?dster : " But if you were told that it was the sun, 
what would you say it was ?" 

Boy : " A lie." 

Mi?iister : " I don't tell lies. Suppose I told you it 
was the sun, what would you say then ?" 

Boy : " That you wasn't sober." 

Small Boy : " When I get bigger, Mr. Brown, you'll let 
me ride your horse, won't you ? " 

Mr. Brown : " Why, Charlie, I haven't any horse ; 
what made you think so ? " 

Charlie : " Why, I heard mother say that you'd been 
riding a high-horse lately." 



Papa : " How is' it, Alice, that you never get a prize 
at school ?" 

Mamma : "And your friend Louisa Sharp gets so 
many ? " 

Alice (innocently) : " Ah! Louisa Sharp has got such 
clever Barents." 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 9 

Lulu's grandma, becoming impatient with her noise, 
said to her : " Lulu, you are a mistake ; you should have 
been a boy." Lulu was very thoughtful for a few minutes, 
then gravely answered, " Grandma, God don't make 
mistakes." 



"Boy," said an ill-tempered old fellow to a noisy lad, 
"^what are you hollerin' for when I'm goin' by? " 

" Humph," returned the boy, "what are you goin' by 
for when I'm hollerin'? " 



(Scene : A Refreshment Counter.) Uncle : "„Well, 
Tommy, you see I'm back ; are you ready ? What have 
I to pay for, clerk?" 

Clerk : " Three buns, four sponge-cakes, two sand- 
wiches, one jelly, five crullers and " 

Uncle : " Great Scott, boy ! are you ill?" 

Tommy : " No, uncle ; but I'm thirsty." 



Ada (aged four) was doing something and was 
told to desist by her mother. Mother : " Ada, am I to 
speak to you again ? " Ada : " Yes, ma ; you may if vou 
like." 



Teacher : '' John, what are your boots made of?" 
Boy : " Of leather, sir." 

Teacher : " Where does the leather come from ?" 
Boy : " From the hide of the ox." 

Teacher : " What animal, therefore, supplies you with 
boots and shoes, and gives you meat to eat ?" 
Boy : " My father." 



A wee boy beset his mother to talk to him, and say 
something funny. " How can I ?" she asked ; " don't 
you see how busy I am baking these pies ?" " Well, you 
might say, ' Charlie, won't you have a pie ? ' That would 
be funny for you." 



" Can you tell me," asked a Sunday-school teacher of 
a little girl, " why the Israelites made a golden calf ?" 
"Because they hadn't gold enough to make a cow," was 
the reply. 



io SOME FUNNY THINGS. 

"What is that, children?" asked a Sunday-school 
superintendent, exhibiting a magic-lantern picture of a 
poor sinner clinging to the cross, towering out of stormy 
waves in mid-ocean. " Robinson Crusoe !" was the in- 
stant reply. 



"Why should we celebrate Washington's birthday 
more than mine ?" asked a teacher ? " Cos he never told 
a lie !" shouted a small boy. 



"A little five-year-old remarked to her mamma on 
going to bed, " I am not afraid of the dark." "No, of 
course you are not," replied mamma, "for it can't hurt 
you." " But, mamma, I was a little afraid once, when I 
went into the pantry to get a cake." "What were you 
afraid of?" asked her mamma. " I was afraid I shouldn't 
be able to find the cakes !" 



Mamma : " Look here, George ; here's a nice pudding. 
Will you be a good boy now, and come and have some ?" 
George : (who has been put in the corner for bad be- 
havior), "What sort o' puddin' is it, ma ?" 

A little girl was reproved for playing out of doors with 
boys, and informed that, being seven years old, she was 
"too big for that now." But, with all imaginable inno- 
cence, she replied, " Why, the bigger we grow the better 
we like 'em !" 



Arthur (who has been listening with breathless interest 
to one of grandpa's Bible stories) : " And were you in the 
ark, grandpa, along with Noah and all the rest of 'em ?" 
Grandpa (indignantly): "No, sir; certainly not !" 
Arthur : " Then how is it you wasn't drowned ?" 

" There is no rule without exception, my son." 
" Oh, isn't there, pa ? A man must always be present 
while he is being shaved ! " 



"Well, Jem, what is a commentator ? " "Why," was 
Jem's reply, " I suppose it must be the commonest of all 
taturs." 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. n 

A minister was addressing a school concert recently, 
and was trying to enforce the doctrine that the hearts of 
the little ones were sinful, and needed regulating. Tak- 
ing out his watch, and holding it up, he said : " Now, here 
is my watch. Suppose it don't keep good time — now 
goes too fast and now too slow — what shall I do with it ?" 
" Sell it !" shouted a flaxen-headed youngster. 



The other day some ladies were out visiting. There 
being a little three-year-old present, one of the ladies 
asked him if he would not kiss her. He answered : 
"No." "What is the reason you will not kiss me?" 
" I'm too little to kiss you ; papa will kiss you ; papa 
kisses all the big girls." 



Pet: " Mamma, I want to make a little bargain with 
you." 

Mamma : " What is it, my dear ?" 

Pet : "If you'll give me a paper of candy every day I 
won't tell anybody you take your hair out of a drawer." 



Teacher : " What bird did Noah send out of the Ark ?" 
Smallest boy in the class (after a pause) : "Dove, sir." 
Teacher: "Very well. But I should have thought 

some of you big boys would have known that." 

Tall pupil : " Please, sir, that boy ought to know, 

'cause his daddy keeps a bird store." 



"This is a stormy day, my boy," said a minister to a 
little boy whom he met. 

"Yes, sir : it's a wet rain." 

" Why, did you ever see any rain that wasn't wet ?" 

" No, sir, I never did ; but I heard you read once that 
it 'rained fire and brimstone,' and I think that wasn't a 
very wet rain." 



" Papa, what does it mean to be tried by a jury of one's 
peers ?" 

" It means, my son, that a man is to be tried by a jury 
composed of men who are his equals, on an equality with 
him, so that they will have no prejudice against him." 

" Then, pa, I suppose you'd have to be tried by a jury 
of bald-headed men ?" 



12 SOME FUNNY THINGS. 

Harry sat at his father's side at a friend's table. Some- 
body passed him the bread. Harry took a piece that was 
dry ; so he dropped it and took a softer one. " My son," 
said the father, reprovingly, "never touch a piece of bread 
or cake that you never mean to take." Harry ate his 
bread and remembered. After a while the cake was 
passed round. When it came to Harry the little fingers 
made a quick, adroit movement, and hauled off three 
large slices. " Why, Harry ! " cried his father. " Weil, 
papa, you told me to take all the pieces I touched, and I 
touched all these." " No, no, my son ; I said touch only 
those you mean to take." "That's just it, papa. I 
meant to take every one, and I tried for that other big 
slice with the pile of sugar on it, but I didn't quite catch 
on." 



A child, on being shown the picture of Daniel in the 
lions' den, began to cry. " Don't cry, pet," said the 
mother ; " God won't let them harm a hair of his head." 

" Oh ! I ain't crying for that ; but just see that little 
lion : Daniel is so small it won't get any." 

A teacher, questioning little boys about the graduation 
in the scale of being, asked : " What comes next to man?" 
whereupon a little lad, who was evidently smarting under 
a sense of previous defeat, immediately distanced all 
competitors by promptly shouting, "His shirt, ma'am !" 

A tutor, lecturing a lad for his irregular conduct, added, 
with great pathos, "The report of your bad conduct will 
bring your father's gray hairs with sorrow to the grave." 

" I beg your pardon, sir," replied the incorrigible ; " my 
father wears a wig." 



"Edward," said his mother to a boy of eight, who was 
playing in the front yard, " Edward, you mustn't go out 
of the gate into the street." " No, ma, I won't," was the 
reply. A few moments afterwards she saw Edward in 
the street, engaged in the edifying employment of manu- 
facturing dirt-pies. " Didn't I tell you," said she, angrily, 
"not to go through the gate ?" " Well, I didn't, mother," 
was the very satisfactory reply ; " I climbed over the 
fence t" 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 13 

One day, a little girl, about five years old, heard a 
ranting preacher praying most lustily, till the roof rang 
with the strength of his supplication. Turning to her 
mother, and beckoning the maternal ear down to a speak- 
ing-place, she whispered, "Mother, don't you think that 
if he lived nearer to God he wouldn't have 4 to talk so 
loud ?" 



" Peter, what are you doing to that boy ?" said a school- 
master. " He wanted to know, if you take ten from 
seventeen, how many will remain ; so I took ten of his 
apples to show him, and now he wants me to give 'em 
back." "Well, why don't you do it?" " Coz, sir, he 
would forget how many is left." 



"I say, friend, is there anything to shoot about here ?" 
asked a Kentucky sportsman of a small boy. Boy: 
" Wal, nothing just about here, stranger ; but the school- 
master is down the hill yonder. You can pop him over 
as far as I am concerned." 



" You must not play with that little girl, my dear," said 
an injudicious parent. "But, ma, I like her ; she is a nice 
little girl, and I'm sure she dresses as prettily as I do, 
and she has lots of toys." " I cannot help that, my dear," 
responded the vain mother, whose husband kept a fish 
market, "her father is a shoemaker." "But I don't play 
with her father ; I play with her. She ain't a shoemaker." 



A father was questioning his children one Sunday eve- 
ning on the portion of sacred writ in Genesis descriptive of 
the construction of the ark. " How was light admitted 
into the ark — glass being then unknown ?" queried papa 
of one of the misses. " Oh, Noah just turned on the 
electric light." 



"Mamma," said a wee child one Sunday evening, after 
having sat in the house all day like a good child, " have 
I honored you to-day ?" " I don't know," replied the 
mother ; why do you ask ?" " Because," said the little 
one, sadly shaking her head, " the Bible says, ' Honor 
thy father and mother, that thy days may be long" and 
this has been, oh ! the longest day I ever saw !" 



i 4 SOME FUNNY THINGS. 

A sick man, who noticed his little daughter looking 
eagerly at some fruit at his bedside, said to her : "You 
would not take them away from your sick papa, would 
you?" She replied, hesitatingly: "No, I wouldn't," and 
then colored up, and ingeniously added : "but, papa, I 
tell a story when I say so." He gave her the fruit. 

A little boy three years old, who has a brother of three 
months, gave as a reason for the latter's good conduct, 
" Baby doesn't cry tears because he doesn't drink any 
water; he can't cry milk." 

" Bill Jones," said a bullying urchin to another lad, 
" next time I catch you alone I'll flog you like anything !" 
"Well," replied Bill, "I ain't often much alone; I 
commonly have my legs and fists with me." 



" Now, you children, I tell you what it is ; if you make 
any more noise in front of my house, I'll speak to that 
policeman !" 

Chorus of Juveniles (much tickled) : "That policeman ! 
Lor', we ain't afeered of him ! Why, that's dad! " 



A little boy of seven had been ordered by the doctor 
to take claret. A person dining with the family said to 
him, '" You should put a little water with it ; it brings out 
the taste." " That's very fine," responded the child,, "but 
I prefer the taste left in." 



"Mamma, I want to see what is in that box." "There 
isn't anything in it, Tom." " Oh, then, I want to see 
what there isn't in it." 



A little boy, disputing with his sister recently, exclaimed, 
" It's true, for ma says so; and if ma says so, it is so if 
it ain't so." 



A gentleman sent his little son with a letter to the post- 
office, and money to pay the postage. Having returned 
with the money, he said : " I've done the thing properly. 
I saw a good many folks puttin' letters in the post-office 
through a hole, and so I watched my chance and got mine 
in for nothing." 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 



15 



A veteran was relating his exploits to a crowd of boys, 
and mentioned having been in five engagements. "That's 
nothing !" broke in a little shaver. " My sister Sarah's 
been eneased eleven times." 



"Ma, is Mr. Thompson respectable?" "Certainly, my 
child. Why do you ask that question ?" " Because he 
wears such poor clothes." "You should not judge per- 
sons by their clothes ; none but silly people do that." 
" Then everybody's silly, ain't they, ma?" 




" Did any of you ever see an elephant's skin ?" inquired 
a teacher. " I have," exclaimed a small boy. " Where ?" 
asked the teacher, "On the elephant," said the youth, 



1 6 SOME FUNNY THINGS. 

A clergyman having called up a class of girls and boys, 
began with one of the former in these words : " My dear 
child, tell me who made your vile body ?" She had no 
idea of the question applying to anything beyond her per- 
sonal appearance, and dropping a quick curtsey, replied, 
"Please, sir, mother made the body and I made the 
skirt." 



A little boy named Knight was told by his Sunday- 
school teacher that he must be a good boy, and when he 
died he would go to heaven. The little boy was well 
pleased with the prospect, and promised to be the best 
kind of a boy. The next Sunday he appeared in his 
place, looking sorrowful, and the teacher asked him if he 
had been a good boy. " Yes," he replied, '* I've tried to 
be good, but it's no use. The boys say I can't go to 
heaven if I am ever so good." "Why do the boys say 
that?" asked the teacher. "They say," said the boy, 
with the utmost simplicity, " there'll be no night there." 



An Irish lad complained the other day of the harsh 
treatment he had received from his father. " He trates 
me," said he, mournfully, " as if I was his son by another 
father and mother." 



" I don't want mother to marry again," said a little boy 
<one day at breakfast. " Why not ?" was asked, with some 
surprise. *' Because," said he, " I've lost one father, and 
I don't want the trouble of getting acquainted with 
another." 



A girl in one of the public schools applied to her 
teacher for leave to be absent half a day, on the plea that 
they had company at home. The teacher referred her to 
the printed list of reasons that the school commitee 
think sufficient to justify absence, and asked her if her 
case came under any of them. She naively replied that 
it might come under the head of "domestic affliction." 

" Let us play we are married," said little Edith, "and 
I will bring my dolly and say, ' See baby, papa ! " " Yes," 
replied Johnny ; " and I will say, ' Don't bother me now, 
I want to look through the paper !' " 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 17 

''Charley," said a fond mother to her son, "you are 
into that jam again." "No, the jam is into me," replied 
the little pet. 



A little boy, asking a companion who Good Friday was, 
received the withering reply, "Well, you go home and read 
your Robinsofi Crusoe." 

A little boy, returning from Sunday-school, said to his 
mother : " Ma, ain't there a kitty -c\iv$>m for little boys ? 
This Catechism is too hard for me." 

A little child asked her mamma if she thought nurse 
would go to Heaven. Her mamma replied she hoped 
she would. " Then," said the child, " / don't want to go 
there." 



" William, if you go out in the street I'll whip you." 
" But, mother, if I let you whip me now, may I go out 
afterwards ?" 



" Isn't your papa a little bald ?" asked one child of 
another. "There isn't a bald hair on his head," indig- 
nantly replied her companion. 



A small boy, who was playing truant, when asked if he 
wouldn't get a whipping when he got home, replied, 
" What is five minutes' whacking to five hours of fun ?" 

"I'll make you dance !" cried an irate mother, pursu- 
ing her erring son, slipper in hand. "Then," remarked 
the young hopeful, " we shall have a bawl." 

" I'll teach you to play pitch and toss !" shouted an 
enraged father. "I'll flog you for an hour, I will!" 
" Father," instantly replied the incorrigible, as he 
balanced a penny on his thumb and finger, "I'll toss you 
to make it two hours or nothing !" 

" If you children quarrel so about that doll I'll break 
it up ; there's no peace where you are !" " Oh, do, mam- 
ma !" screamed the young hopefuls, " then we shall all 
have a little piece" 



1 8 SOME FUNNY THINGS. 

A country doctor, being out for a day's shooting, took 
the errand boy to carry his game-bag. Entering a field 
of turnips, the dog pointed, and the boy, overjoyed at the 
prospect of his master's success, exclaimed : " Lor', 
master, there's a covey ! If you get near 'em won't you 
physic 'em ?" " Physic them, you young rascal ! What 
do you mean ?" said the doctor. " Why, kill 'em, to be 
sure !" replied the lad. 

A doting mother of a waggish boy bottled a lot of nice 
preserves, and labeled them, "Put up by Mrs. Doo." 
Johnny, having discovered the goodies, soon ate the con- 
tents of one bottle, and wrote on the label, " Put down 
by Johnny Doo." 

" Eliza, my child," said a prudish old maid to her 
pretty niece, who would curl her hair in pretty ringlets, 
" if the Lord had intended your hair to be curled He 
would have done it Himself." "So He did, aunty, when I 
was a baby, but He thinks I am big enough now to curl 
it myself." 



" Why on earth don't you get up earlier, my son ?" 
said an anxious father to his sluggard boy ; " don't you 
see the flowers even spring out of their beds at the early 
dawn?" "Yes, father," said the boy, "I see they do ; 
and I would do the same if I had as dirty a bed as they 
have." 



"Boy, what is your name?" "Robert, sir." "Yes, 
that is your Christian name ; but what is your other 
name?" "Bob, sir." 



Aunt Ellen was trying to persuade little Eddie to re- 
tire at sunset, using as an argument that the little chick- 
ens went to rest at that time. "Yes," said Eddie, "but 
the old hen always goes with them." Aunty tried no more 
arguments with him. 



" The boy at the head of the class will state what were 
the dark ages of the world." Boy hesitates. "Next. 
Master Jones can you tell me what the dark ages were ?" 
"I fancy they were ages before spectacles were invented." 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 19 

" Do you understand me now ?" thundered out a hasty- 
pedagogue to an urchin at whose head he threw an ink- 
stand. " I have got an inMifig of what you mean," re- 
plied the boy. 

"While a teacher was learning a boy his lesson, the fol- 
lowing passage occurred : "The wages of sin is death." 
The teacher wishing to get the word "wages" out by de- 
duction, asked, " What does your father get on Saturday 
night ?" The boy answered, "He gets drunk." 

A gentleman riding came to the edge of a morass, 
which he considered not safe. Seeing a peasant lad, he 
asked whether the bog was hard at the bottom. "Oh, 
yes, quite hard," replied the youth. The gentleman rode 
on, and the horse began to sink. " You rascal !" shouted 
he, " did you not say it was hard at the bottom ?" "So 
it is," rejoined the rogue; "but you're not half-way to it 
yet." 



A good joke is told of a young man who attended a 
social circle a few evenings since. The conversation turn- 
ed on California, and getting rich. Tom remarked 

that, " if he was in California he would, instead of work- 
ing in the mines, waylay some rich man who had a bag 
full of gold, knock out his brains, gather up the gold, and 
skedaddle." A little girl quietly replied "That he'd 
better gather up the brains, as he evidently stood in more 
need of that article than gold." 



A pupil of the public schools, during his parsing exer- 
cise, came to the word "with," which he boldly declared 
"a noun." "You have never seen it used as such," re- 
plied the teacher. " But I have, though !" confidently 
retorted the young Hopeful. " Where ?" " Doesn't the 
Bible say, ' Bind me with seven withs and I shall be as 
another man." The teacher was vanquished. 



" Please, sir, I don't think Mr. Jones takes his physic 
reg'lar," said a doctor's boy to his employer. "Why so !" 
" Cause vy, he' getting' veil so precious fast," replied the 
boy. 



j 

20 ' SOME FUNNY THINGS. 

A lady had been cautioning her son, a bright, affection- 
ate little boy, in the matter of taking cold. " You know, 
my child," she said, " I cannot help being anxious and 
troubled about you when you are ill. Ah, Freddy, you 
have little idea of the feelings of a mother !" " No, 
mamma," replied the dear little fellow, with genuine 
earnestness ; " but I may know something of the feelings 
of a father." 



A Sunday-school teacher asked the children if they 
could quote any text of Scripture which forbade a man 
having two wives. One~of the children sagely quoted in 
reply the text : " No man can serve two masters." 

At one of the customary school examinations an urchin 
was asked, " What is the chief use of bread ?" To which 
he replied, with an archness that implied, "What a sim- 
pleton you must be to ask such a question?" " To spread 
butter upon." 



Self-made man (examining school, of which he is a 
manager) : " Now, boy, what is the capital of 'Olland ?" 
Boy : " An ' H,' sir." 



" Well, Patsy, what is a commentator ?" " Why," said 
Patsy, " I suppose it must be the commonest of all taturs." 

"Johnny, what have you been doing?" "Oh, Charlie 
and I have been seeing who could break the most win- 
dows in the hothouse." 



A little girl was listening with much interest to the story 
of Jonah. When the question was asked, "What would 
you suppose would be the first thing Jonah would do 
after the great fish threw him upon the land ?" she an- 
swered promptly : " I sh'd fink he'd go home quick as he 
could and get cleaned up." 

Young Hopeful : " What does pa paint all day long for, 
ma?" Mamma: " That you may have your dinner, my 
sweetie." Young Hopeful (pondering) : " Does he 
smoke all day long for my dinner, too, ma ?" 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 21 

A cross old aunt said to her niece, whom she saw tast- 
ing various liquid preparations in the kitchen, "Child, you 
shouldn't be sipping and sipping at everything you see. 
It's very naughty for a child to be sipping all the time ?" 
" Well," retorted the child, your kind of sipping is the 
worst land of all!" "Indeed, Miss Impertinence ! and 
what is that ?" "Gossiflfiing," said the child. 



" Pa," said a small boy, " there's a poor man out there 
that would give anything to see you." "Who is it, my 
son ?" " It's a blind man." 



"We had short-cake for tea," said a little girl to a little 
boy over the fence. " So had we ; so short it didn't go 
round !" 



There was company to supper, the table was set out 
splendidly, and all were enjoying themselves exceedingly, 
when the pet of the household unfortunately whispered : 
" Ma, why don't you have this sort of supper when there 
isn't any company ?" 

Mamma: "Ted, go upstairs and change your clothes. 
Now you are at the seaside I want you to wear out your 
old suit." Ted, who is nine, appears four hours later a 
sight to behold. Mamma : " Ted, what have you been 
doing?" Ted: "Oh, mamma, I've been having such a 
jolly roll down the cliff. You wished me to wear out my 
clothes, you know." 



" Pa, will you get me a pair of skates if I prove to you 
that a dog has got ten tails ?" "Yes, my son." "Well, to 
begin : one dog has one more tail than no dog, hasn't 
he ?" "Yes." "Well, no dog has nine tails ; and if one 
dog has one more tail than no dog, then one dog must 
have ten tails." He got the skates. 



In a school a member of the committee asked the 
members of a class which was under examination, "What 
is the cause of the saltness of the ocean?" Soon one little 
girl raised her hand. "You may tell," said the commit- 
tee-man. "Salt fish, sir," said the pupil. 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 
THE BALD-HEADED MAN. 



The other day a lady, accompanied by her son, a very 
small boy, boarded a train at Little Rock. The woman 
had a careworn expression hanging over her face like a 
tattered veil, and many of the rapid questions asked by 
the boy were answered by unconscious sighs. 

" Ma," said the boy, "that man's like a baby ; ain't he ?" 
pointing to a bald-headed man sitting just in front of 
them. 

"Hush." 

" Why must I hush ?" 



After a few moments silence : " Ma, what's the mat- 
ter with that man's head?" 

"Hush, I tell you. He's bald." 

"What's bald?" 

" His head hasn't got any hair on it." 

" Did it come off ?" 

" I guess so." 

" Will mine come off ? " 

" Sometime, mavbe." 

" Then I'll be bald, won't I ?" 

"Yes." 

"Will you care?" 

"Don't ask me so many questions." After another 
silence the boy exclaimed: 

"Ma, look at the fly on the man's head." 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 23 

"If you don't hush, I'll whip you when we get home." 

"Look! There's another fly. Look at 'em fight; look 
at 'em !" 

" Madam," said the man, putting aside a newspaper 
and looking around. "What's the matter with the 
young hyena ?" 

The woman blushed, stammered out something, and 
attempted to smooth back the boy's hair. 

" One fly, two flies, three flies," said the boy innocently, 
following with his eyes a basket of oranges carried by the 
newsboy. 

" Here, you young hedge-hog," said the bald-headed 
man. " If you don't hush, I'll have the conductor put 
you off the train." 

The poor woman, not knowing what else to do, boxed 
the boy's ears and then gave him an orange to keep him 
from crying. 

" Ma, have I got red marks on my head ?" 

" I'll slap you again if you don't hush." 

" Mister," said the boy, after a short silence, " does it 
hurt to be bald-headed ?" 

"Youngster," said the man, "If you'll keep quiet I'll 
give you a quarter." 

The boy promised, and the money was paid over. 

The man took up his paper and resumed his reading. 

"This is my bald-headed money," said the boy. 
"When I get bald-headed I'm going to give boys money. 
Mister, have all bald-headed men got money?" 

The annoyed man threw down his paper, arose and ex- 
claimed : " Madam, hereafter when you travel leave that 
young gorilla at home. Hitherto I always thought that 
the old prophet was very cruel for calling the she-bears 
to kill children for making sport of his head, but now I 
am forced to believe that he did a Christian act. If your 
boy had been in the crowd he would have died first. If 
I can't find another seat on this train I'll ride on the cow- 
catcher rather than remain here." 

" The bald-headed man is gone !" said the boy, and the 
woman leaned back and blew a tired sigh from her lips. 



Dr. Cuyler related the following touching story : A 
friend gave me, lately, the experience of a skillful profes- 



24 SOME FUNNY THINGS. 

sional man, in about the following words : " My early 
practice," said the doctor, "was successful, and I soon at- 
tained an enviable position. I married a lovely girl, two 
children were born to us, and my domestic happiness 
was complete. But I was invited often to social parties, 
where wine was freely circulated, and I soon became a 
slave to its power. Before I was aware of it I was a 
drunkard. My noble wife never forsook me, never 
taunted me with a bitter word, never ceased to pray for 
my reformation. We became wretchedly poor, so that 
my family were pinched for daily bread. One beautiful 
Sabbath my wife went to church, and left me on a lounge 
sleeping off my previous night's debauch. I was aroused 
by hearing something fall heavily on the floor; I opened 
my eyes and saw my little boy of six years old tumbling 
on the carpet. His elder brother said to him, " Now get 
up and fall again ; that's the way papa does it. Let's 
play we are drunk !" I watched the child as he personated 
my beastly movements in a way that would have done 
credit to an actor. I arose and left the house, groaning 
in agony and remorse. I walked off miles into the 
country thinking over my abominable sin, and the ex- 
ample I was setting before my children. I solemnly re- 
solved that, with God's help, I would quit my cups, and I 
did. No lecture I ever heard moved my soul like the 
spectacle of my own sweet boys " playing drunk as papa 
does." 



" And what should you do," asked a lady of her little 
nephew, who had been assuring her of his unbounded 
affection for her; "What should you do, Harry, if your 
poor aunty were to die, and your uncle were to marry 
again ?" "Why," replied Harry, without the slightest 
hesitation, " I should go to the wedding, of course !" 



Among the Sunday-school children of a certain church 
was a poor little fellow. He could not tell the number of 
the house in which he lived, and was charged when he 
next came to school to bring it. The next time he ap- 
peared he was asked if he brought the number. "No, 
sir," said he ; " it was nailed on the door so tight tha«t I 
couldn't get it off." 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 25 

A little boy, six years old, and a little girl, eight, were 
looking at the clouds one beautiful summer evening, 
watching their fantastic shapes, when the boy exclaimed, 
" Oh, Minnie, I see a dog in the sky !" "Well, Willie," 
replied the sister, "it must be a skye-terrier." 

Jones' mouth is disfigured by the absence of one of his 
front teeth. His little son surprised him yesterday by 
asking, "Pop, why do you part your teeth in the mid- 
dle ?" 



This"is a boy's composition on girls. He says : "Girls 
are the only folks that has their own way every time. Girls 
is of several thousand kinds, and sometimes one girl can 
be like several thousand girls if she wants to do anything. 
They are also like kittens; they go singing and purring 
about until you stroke them the wrong way, and then 
they get mad. This is all I know about girls, and father 
says the less I know about them the better off I am." 



" Thank goodness," said a tormented passenger, "there 
are no newsboys in Heaven!" "No," replied the news- 
boy : " but what comfort would you find in that ?" 

" Ma thinks a great deal of you, I think," said a little 
girl to a physician. " Why do you think that, my child ?" 
" Because I heard her say she thought you wasn't nearly 
such a fool as that other old humbug." 



A very ugly woman, toying with a pug dog in front of a 
cafe on the boulevard, said to Puggy, " Kiss me, and I 
will give you this piece of sugar." A boy passing by ex- 
claimed, " Don't she ask a high price for her sugar ?" 

When the Rev. J. S. Day was pastor of the Methodist 
Episcopal Church in Weston he was to exchange one 
Sunday with a Waltham minister, and starting on Monday 
morning to walk down about half a mile from home, he 
found a little boy playing in a mud-puddle, and asked 
him : " Do you know what day this is ?" "Yes," was the 
prompt reply, " it is Mr. Day, the Methodist minister." 
The minister walked along. 



26 SOME FUNNY THINGS. 

The mother stood by the gas jet reading a scrap of 
paper. Through the open door out from the shadowy- 
recesses of a small adjoining room came a quaint, sleepy 
little voice, " Now I lay me down to — to — s'eep," and 
then a stop, as the little head of the little white-robed 
figure sank deeper and deeper in the cot's side, "Well ?" 
said the mother, expectantly, " go on, Lilly." ''Now — I 
— lay — me — down — to — s'eep — s' — ." Then another 
stop, and there was no response to the mother's soft 
"Well?" But as the drowsy little figure in white, with 
angel-locked eyes, coddled up on the pillow where 
mother's arms placed it, the little lips parted, and, all 
asleep, came the murmured words, " Dood night, Dod." 

" Doctor ! Doctor !" panted a boy, "come down the 
street quick ! There's a man in a fit ! " In an apoplec- 
tic ?" questioned the Doctor. " No, sir ; he's in an 
ulster/'^answered the boy. 



A little ijgirl, who had been visiting the family of a 
neighbor, hearing them speak of her father being a wid- 
ower, on her return addressed him thus : " Pa, are you a 
widower ?" " Yes, my child ; don't you know your 
mother's dead ?" " Why, yes, I knew mamma was dead ; 
but you always told me you were a New Yorker." 



A Scotch minister, in one of his parochial visits, met a 
small boy, and asked him what o'clock it was. " About 
twelve, sir," was the reply. "Well," remarked the min- 
ister, "I thought it was more." "It's never any more 
here," said the boy ; "it just begins at one again." 

" Come here, my little dear," said a young man to a lit- 
tle girl, to whose sister he was paying his addresses: "you 
are the sweetest thing on earth." "No, I'm not," she re- 
plied, artlessly; "sister says_>w are the sweetest." 

A Schoolmaster (examining a class, and vainly trying to 
elicit the name of the serpent by leading questions) : 
"Well, now, children, what is that creeping thing that 
everybody has such a horror of?" Chorus of children: 
" Oh, if ye please, sir, a cockroach." 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 27 

A lady, who superintended a Sunday-school, having 
occasion to interrogate one of her pupils as to the cause 
of her father's non-attendance at church, received the- fol- 
lowing innocent reply, prefaced, of course, by a sweet lit- 
tle drop of a curtsey: " Please, ma'm, my father says he 
isn't coming to church again, t' parson hollers out so he 
can't get a bit o' sleep." 



A little girl hearing it said that she was born on the 
Queen's birthday, took no notice of it at the time; but a 
day or two after asked her father if she and the Queen 
were twins. 



"Well, my child," said a stern parent to his little daughter 
after church, " what do you remember of all the preacher 
said?" " Nothing," was the timid reply. "Nothing?" 
said he, gravely. "Now remember, the next time you 
tell me something he says, or you must stay away from 
church." The next Sunday she came home all excitement. 
"I remember something," said she. "Ah! very glad of 
it," replied the father; "What did he say?" " He said, 
papa," cried she, delightedly, " ' a collection will now be 
taken.'" 



Charlie's tather wished to find out his son's bent, so 
he asked: " Charlie, what are you going to be when you 
grow up?" "Going to be a man!" came quick as a flash, 
"Jsn't that a good thing to be?" 



A little boy having broken his rocking-horse the day it 
was bought, his mamma began to scold, when he silenced 
her by inquiring, " What's the good of a horse till it's 
broke." 



" Who was the first man?" asked a Sunday-school 
teacher of her prodigy. "Adam." "And who was the 
first woman?" He hesitated a moment, and then shouted, 
"Madam!" 



" Ma," said Fred., " I would rather be a wild turkey, 
and live my life on the prairies,than be a tame turkey and 
be killed every year." 



28 SOME FUNNY THINGS. 

In a police case in New York, lately, a boy being asked 
if he knew the nature of an oath, gave an affirmative re- 
ply. When asked what they do to persons who swear to 
a lie, he replied: "They make policemen out of 'em!" 



" Here, James, take these two cakes and give the small- 
er one to your little brother." James examined the cakes 
carefully, appeared undecided, and finally took a heroic 
bite out of one of them, which he passed over to his 
brother with the remark: "There, Tommy, I've made 
you a smaller one — they were both the same size." 

A little girl of six years, when asked to whom she gave 
the order at the butcher's, replied, " To the man with the 
dimples in his face." The man was deeply pitted by 
small-pox. 



A teacher, after reading to her scholars the story of a 
generous child, asked them what generosity was. One lit- 
tle fellow raised his hand and said, " I know ! It's giving 
to others what you don't want yourself." 



Teacher: " Define the word excavate." 
Scholar: " It means to hollow out." 
Teacher: " Construct a sentence in which the word is 
properly used." 

Scholar: "The baby excavates when it gets hurt." 



A lady was saying that she did not know how to make 
both ends meet. "Well," said her little son, "why don't 
you make one end vegetables ?" 



A little fellow once observed, in reference to step- 
fathers, "I do not like those new papas; they whip the 
old papa's children." 



" Oh, dear !" yelled out an urchin, who had just been 
suffering from the application of a birch. " Oh, my ! they 
tells me about forty rods makes one furlong, but I can tell 
a bigger story than that. Let 'em get such a plaguey 
lickin' as I've had, and then they'll find out that one rod 
makes an acher!" 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 29 

A pedagogue had two pupils, Dick and Tom. To one 
he was very partial, and to the other very severe. One 
morning it happened that both were late, and were called 
to account for it. "You must have heard the bell, boys; 
why did you not come ?" 

" Please, sir," said his favorite, "I was dreaming that 
I was goin' to Margate, and I thought the school-bell was 
the steamboat-bell that I was goin' in." "Very well, sir," 
(glad of any pretext to excuse his favorite.) " And now, 
sir," turning to the other, "what have you to say!" 
" Please, sir," said the puzzled boy, '' I — I was waiting to 
see Tom off." 

A kind mamma was taking to task her little boy, who 
had stolen an orange. "Are you not sorry?" "Yes." 
"Won't you try and do better next time?" "Yes; I'll 
steal two!" 



"You had better ask for manners than money!" said 
a dandy to a beggar-boy who had ask for alms. " I asked 
for what I thought you had the most of! " was the urchin's 
reply. 



Little Bobby begged hard the other day, when some 
friends were dining with us, to be allowed to come in and 
sit at table during dessert ; which I told him he might do, 
providing he neither talked nor annoyed people by talk- 
ing, or asking for fruit. He very readily assented to this 
condition, whiVh he honestly fulfilled to the letter. At 
last I saw the poor little fellow up in a corner, crying and 
sobbing most pitifully. "What is the matter, Bob ?" I 
said, "What are you crying about?" "Why, ma," he 
replied, " here am I asking for nothing, and getting noth- 
ing." 



A man in Ohio, well mounted, while urging a drove of 
fat pigs, met a charming group of little girls as they were 
returning from school, when one of them as she passed 
the "swinish multitude" made a pretty curtsey. " My 
little girl," said the man, " why do you curtsey to a whole 
drove of hogs?" "Oh, sir," said she, with a most provok- 
ing smile, " I only curtsey to the one on horseback." 



3° 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 



A minister's son so misbehaved himself as to tire the 
patience of the "head" of the school. Finally, the 
doctor said to him, after a gross act of misconduct, 
" You must prepare yourself for a severe whipping." 
When the appointed time came the doctor was on hand, 




drew his rattan, and laid it with considerable unction 
upon the boy's back. Nothing but dust followed. The 
subject of the discipline was entirely at his ease. "Take 
off your coat," was the command. Again whistled the 
rattan around the boy's shoulders, but with no more 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 31 

effect. " Take off your vest, sir !" shouted the doctor. 
Off went the vest, but there was another under it. "Off 
with the other !" and then, to the astonishment of the ad- 
ministrator of justice, he exposed a dried codfish defend- 
ing the back of the culprit like a shield, while below there 
was, evidently stretching over the exposed portions of the 
body, a stout leather apron. " What does this mean ?" 
said the doctor. "Why," said the rogue, "you told me 
to prepare myself for punishment, and I have done the 
best I could." 

An excited individual accosted a street gamin with the 
question, " I say, boy, which is the quickest way for me 
to get to the depot ?" " Run," was the response. 



A clergyman who had been staying some time at the 
house of a friend, on going away called to him little 
Tommy, and asked him what he should give him for a 
present. Tommy, who had great respect for the " cloth," 
thought it was his duty to suggest something of a relig- 
ious nature,so he answered, hesitatingly, "I — I — think I 
should like a Testament, and I know I should like a pop- 
gun." 



"Is it true, mamma," inquired a little girl, "that a 
Quaker never takes his hat off ? " " It is true, my dear," 
answered the fond mother; "it is a mark of respect 
which he thinks he should pay to no man." " But then 
tell me, mamma," answered the clever child, "how does 
a Quaker manage when he goes to have his hair cut ?" 

A little boy running, struck his toe and fell on the 
pavement. "Never mind, my little fellow, you won't feel 
the pain to-morrow," said a bystander. "Then," an- 
swered the little fellow, "I won't cry to-morrow." 



Mr. D.'s little daughter came running to her aunt one 
day saying, "Aunt Katie, little Mattie has swallowed a 
button ? " Seeing her terror, her aunt calmly replied, 
"Well, what good will that do her?" Said the child 
very seriously, " Not any good, as I can see, unless she 
swallows a button-hole ! " 



32 SOME FUNNY THINGS. 

A clergyman engaged in catechising a village school 
asked a youngster, " what his god-fathers and god-mothers 
did for him?" " I don't know what they mean to do, 
please your reverence," rejoined the lad; " they've done 
nothing for me yet!" 

" My son," said a stern parent, " I dislike your low 
ways!" "Never mind, papa," said young Hopeful; 
" when I grow up I'll be a. highway man. 



The practical boy, Tommy, wanted to prove things 
that he read. "Mother," said he, " do you think our 
big dog Lion would save a little girl's life if she fell into 
the water?" " I dare say he would, dear," responded the 
mother, whereupon Tommy cried enthusiastically, " Oh, 
then, mamma, do frow Totsy in!" 

" Now, Johnny," said a venerable lady to her little 
nephew, who was persistently denying an offense of 
which she accused him, " I know you are not telling me 
truth; I see it in your eye." Pulling down the lower lid 
of the organ that had so nearly betrayed his veracity, 
Johnny exultingly replied, " You can't tell anything about 
it, aunt; that eye always was a little streaked!" 



A little fellow, who had just commenced reading the 
papers, asked his father if the words "Hon. Gentleman," 
applied to a member of Congress, meant "honest?" 



One day, as a little urchin was running along he saw a 
silver dollar in the footpath, which he had no sooner 
picked up than it was claimed by a carman, who thought 
to frighten the boy out of his prize. The latter, assuming 
a terrified air, blubbered out, " Your dollar hadn't got a 
hole in it?" " Oh, yes it had," shouted the eager rogue. 
" Then this 'un arn't he," cooly replied the boy, and off 
he walked in triumph. 



Said a youngster in high glee, displaying his purchases 
to a bosom friend in the street: " Two cocoa-nuts for ten 
cents! That will make me ill to-morrow, and I won't 
have to go to school." 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 33 

A lady, who was urging some friends to dinner, felt 
disgusted when her eight-year-old son came in and said, 
" Mrs. Jones says she can't spare no bread, and Mrs. Fox 
ain't at home ; so I didn't get any butter." The friends 
thought they had better dine elsewhere, and the lady 
thought so, too ; but she taught that boy that the way of 
the transgressor was hard. 



" Now, my boy," said an examiner, "if I had a mince- 
pie and should give two-twelfths to Isaac, two-twelfths to 
Harry, and two-twelfths to John, and should take half 
the pie myself, what would there be left? Speak up loud 
— loud, so that the people can hear." "The plate!" 
shouted the boy. 



A little urchin, seven years old, in a school where a 
Miss Blodgett was teacher, composed the following, and 
wrote it on his slate at prayer- time, to the great amuse- 
ment of his companions : 

" A little mouse ran up the stairs 
To hear Miss Blodgett say her prayers." 

The teacher discovered the rhyme, and called out the 
culprit. For punishment she gave him his choice, to 
make another in five minutes, or be whipped. So, after 
thinking and scratching his head till his time was nearly 
up, and the teacher was lifting her cane in a threatening 
manner, at the last moment he exclaimed : 

" Here I stand before Miss Blodgett ; 
She's going to strike, but I will dodge it." 



" What miracle was performed at the time of this les- 
son ?" asked the Sunday-school teacher. " The miracle 
of the loaves and fishes," was the prompt reply. " How 
many persons were fed? " " Five thousand," echoed the 
class. " How do you account for five loaves of bread 
feeding five thousand persons, Willie?" "I guess our 
hired girl baked it, and they couldn't eat it ! Gosh ! you 
ought to taste her bread ! You can't get the taste outen 
yer mouth for a week !" 



34 SOME FUNNY THINGS. 

A little boy, being annoyed in his play by a little girl, 
who always wished to have her own way, was told he 
would have to humor her, because she was an only child. 
Some time after a lady called him to her, and said she 
wished to introduce him to a sweet little girl, when he 
said, " Is she an only child ! If so, I would rather not 
know her." 



A little boy, who went on a visit with an elder sister, 
was told by her that he must not be greedy, but must eat 
what seemed to want eating. He shortly after horrified 
his sister by remarking, when asked what he would have, 
" I think I'll take that piece of toast ; it looks as if it 
wanted eating." 

The Earl of , of pompous notoriety and parsi- 
monious celebrity, superintended personally the produce 
of his dairy, and not unfrequently sold the milk to the 
village children with his own hands. One morning a 
pretty little girl presented her penny and her pitcher to> 
his lordship for milk. Pleased with the appearance of 
the child, he patted her on the head, and gave her a. 
kiss. "Now, my pretty lass," he said, "you may tell as. 
long as you live that you have been kissed by an earl.'" 
"Oh, but," replied the child, "you took the penny,, 
though!" 

A rustic youngster, being asked out to take tea with a 
friend, was admonished to praise the eatables. Presently 
the butter was passed to him, when he remarked, "Very 
nice butter, what there is of it;" and observing a smile, 
he added, " and plenty of it, such as it is." 

A religious society decided to build a new church, and 
the pastor, among others, was chosen to solicit funds. 
He did his work very zealously, taking not only the widow's 
but the child's mites. He had a class of children in the 
Sunday-school, and one SundayJ while instructing them, 
he compared himself to the Good Shepherd, and then in- 
quired what the latter did with His flock. One bright- 
eyed little fellow promptly replied, " He. shears 'em!" 
There was some smiling at that answer, 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 35 

" Mother," said a little urchin when he came home 
from church, " I have heard such a clever preacher. He 
stamped and made such a noise, and then he got angry : 
he shook his fist at the folks, and there wasn't anybody 
dared to go up and fight him." 

" Some more cheese, please," said a small boy of eight 
to his papa at dinner. " No, my child," said the prudent 
parent; "you have already had enough. When I was a 
child I had to eat my bread and smell my cheese." "Very 
well," retorted the small boy, "give us a piece to smell." 

A little boy, who was hungry, one night recently, just 
at bed-time, but didn't wish to ask directly for something 
more to eat, put it in this way: " Mother, are little chil- 
dren who starve to death happy after they die?" A good 
big slice of bread and butter was the answer. 

At a school, during a lesson on the animal kingdom, 
the teacher put the following question ' " Can any boy 
name to me an animal of the order edentata ; that is, a 
front-tooth toothless animal?" A boy, whose face 
beamed with pleasure at the prospect of a good mark re- 
plied, " I can." Well, what is the animal ? " " My grand- 
mother! " replied the boy in great glee. 

A Simday -school urchins illustration of responsibility : 
"Boys has two buttons for their braces, so's to keep their 
trowsers up. When one button comes off, why there's a 
good deal of responsibility on the other button." 



A vulgar, blustering man, attempting to push past a 
small crossing-sweeper who was lame, said: "I never 
make way for an idiot." "I'm not so particular ; I always 
do," replied the boy, calmly looking in his face and mov- 
ing on one side. 

A schoolmaster, asking one of the boys on a sharp 
winter's morning what was the Latin for cold, the boy 
hesitated a little. "What, sir," said he, "can't you 
tell ? " "Yes, yes," said the boy, " I have it at my fin- 
gers' ends," 



3 6 SOME FUNNY THINGS. 

A little boy fell into the river a few days since, and 
barely escaped drowning. When asked by his mother 
what he was thinking about while in the water, he replied, 
" I was thinking what a lot of things you'd give me if I 
got home safe." 

At a dinner-party the little son of the host and hostess 
was allowed to come down to dessert. Having had what 
his mother considered a sufficiency of fruit, he was told 
that he must not have any more, when, to the surprise of 
every one of the guests, he exclaimed, " If you don't give 
me some more I'll tell !" A fresh supply was at once 
given him, and as soon as it was finished he repeated his 
threat ; whereupon he was suddenly and swiftly removed 
from the room, but he had just time to convulse the com- 
pany by exclaiming, " My new knickerbockers are made 
out of ma's old bedroom curtains !" 



" What three men were cast into the fiery furnace ?" 
asked the Sunday-school teacher. 

"Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego," shouted the 
class. 

" Did they burn ?" 

" No, mum." 

"That is correct. Not a hair of their heads was 
singed. Now, Willie, can you tell me why their hair was 
not singed ?" 

" Yes, mum ; they was bald-headed." 



A female teacher of a school that stood on the banks 
of a quiet English stream once wished to communicate to 
her pupils an idea of faith. While she was trying to ex- 
plain the meaning of the word a small covered boat glided 
in sight along the stream. Seizing upon the incident for 
an illustration, she exclaimed, " If I were to tell you that 
there is a leg of mutton in that boat, you would believe 
me, wouldn't you, even without seeing it yourselves ?" 
"Yes, ma'am," replied the scholars. "Well, that is 
faith," said the schoolmistress. The next day, in order 
to test their recollection of the lesson, she inquired, 
" Well, what is faith ?" "A leg of mutton in a boat ?" 
was the answer, shouted from all parts of the schoolroom. 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 37 

The grandmamma of a little girl had been telling her 
one day not to say that people lied, but lather that they 
were mistaken. Her grandmamma, to amuse her, told 
her a story, which was a tough one to believe. After she 
had finished, the little girl looked up into her face and 
exclaimed, " Grandma, that is the biggest mistaken I ever 
heard! " 



A young man home from college, wishing to inspire his 
little sister with awe for his learning, pointed to a star and 
said : " Sis, do you see that little luminary ? It's bigger 
than this whole world !" " No 'taint," said Sis. "Yes, 
it is," declared the young collegian. " Then why don't 
it keep off the rain ?" was the triumphant rejoinder. 



" Tommy, my son," said a fond mother, " do you say 
your prayers night and morning?" "Yes; that is, at 
nights; but any smart boy can take care of himself in 
the daytime." 



In a dry goods store is employed a young man of di- 
minutive stature and somewhat feminine appearance. 
One day a little girl was sent to the store to make some 
purchases, and it fell to the lot of this young man to at- 
tend to her. She was a mere bunch of femininity, notable 
to talk plain. She asked him if he had any " dotten 
dannel." He replied that he had, and asked her how 
much she wanted. " I don't know," was the reply. 
''Well, what do you want it for?" said the clerk. "Want 
to make papa a shirt." " Well, how big is your papa? Is 
he as big as me?'' " Big as you!" said the little maiden. 
" I dess he is : he wouldn't be much of a papa if he wasn't." 

A lady leaving home was thus addressed by her little 
boy: " Mamma, will you remember and buy me a penny 
whistle? And let it be a religious one, so that I can use 
it on Sunday." 



" Now, George, you must divide the cake honorably 
with your brother Charlie." " What is honorable, mother!" 
" It means that you must give him the largest piece." 
"Then, mother, I should rather Charlie would cut it." 



38 SOME FUNNY THINGS. 

" What is the name of your cat?" asked one boy of 
another. " His name was William until he had fits, but 
now we call him Fitz- William." 



A child being asked, upon her return from church, 
what the text was, unhesitatingly replied, " Blessed are 
the dressmakers." 



" Well, Tommy, my boy, you appear to have made 
rapid progress in your studies," said the paternal. " Yes, 
father. The professor says the same thing, and that I 
shall be a great man." "Well, I must give you a Christ- 
mas gift. How would you like to have Hayden's Dic- 
tionary of Dates?" "I think, pa, I'd rather have a box 
of figs." 



A little girl in Sunday-school, who had been pull- 
ing her doll to pieces during the week, was asked by the 
teacher, "What was Adam made of? " " Dust," replied 
the little girl. "And what was Eve made of?" "Saw- 
dust," was the answer. 



A bright little girl, six years of age, named Rosa, was 
teased a good deal by a gentleman who visits the family. 
He finally wound up by saying, "Rosa, I don't love you." 
"Ah, but you've got to love me," said the child. " How 
so?" asked the tormentor. "Why," said Rosa, "the 
Bible says you must love those that hate you ; and I'm 
sure I hate you." 



A little girl being sent to a shop to purchase some dye- 
stuff, and forgetting the name of the article, said to the 
shopman, " What do folks dye with ? " " Die with ? Why 
— cholera sometimes," he replied. " Well I believe 
that's the name," said she, " I want to get five cents 
worth." 



"My dear boy!" said a mother to her son, as he handed 
round his plate for more turkey, " this is the fourth time 
you've been helped! " " I know, mother," replied the boy ; 
"but that turkey pecked at me once, and I want to get 
square with him." 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 39 

Being asked what made him so dirty, a street Arab's 
answer was: " I was made, as they tell me, of dust, and 
I suppose it works out." 

Trothie (aged seven) : " Papa, what is gossip?" 
Papa : " Oh, gossip means a lot of old women talking 
of'each other's affairs ; nothing worth hearing or remem- 
bering you may be sure." 

Trothie (after a pause) : "But didn't the Apostles preach 
the gossip? " 

A boy describing a kitten, said, "A kitten is remarkable 
for rushing like mad at nothing whatever, and stopping 
before it gets there." 

A Sunday-school teacher deploring the lack of attend- 
ance in his class, appealed to the few present : " What 
can I do," said he, "to get the boys and girls here? " "i 
know," said a small boy with red hair. "What is it?" 
" Have a Christmas tree ! " was the reply. 



" Can a man see without eyes ? " asked a schoolmaster. 
"Yes sir," was the prompt answer. "Pray, sir, how do 
you make that out ? " cried the astonished pedagague. 
" He can see with one, sir," replied the youth. 

" Why is it," said a teacher to a scapegrace who had 
caused her much trouble by bad conduct, " you behaved 
so well when you first came to school, and are so dis- 
obedient now ?" " Because," said young Hopeful, look- 
ing up into the teacher's face, " I wasn't much acquainted 
then." 



" Mother wants to know if you wouldn't please to lend her 
your preserving-kettle, 'cause you know as how we wants 
to preserve ?" "We would, with pleasure, boy ; but the 
truth is the last time we lent it to your mother, she pre- 
served it so effectually that we h^ve never seen it since." 
"Well, you needn't be so sass} about your old kettle. 
Guess it was full of holes when we borrowed it ; and 
mother wouldn't a troubled you again only we see'd you 
bringing home a new 'un," 



4 o SOME FUNNY THINGS. 

A lady was dining the other day in company with her little 
neices, who are brought up very strictly. Mamma detected 
the youngest in the act of pocketing a piece of bread. 
" What are you doing, miss ?" " Oh, mamma, it is so 
nice and new I want to keep it." " Keep it ?" " Yes, 
ma, till to-morrow, to eat instead of the stale." 



A beggar boy applied to a lady for relief, and was re- 
fused on the ground that she "had no copper," to which 
the boy very accommodatingly replied, " I take silver, 



A young lady remarked to a dude the other day that 
his penknife in one respect resembled him. The ladies in 
the room commenced guessing what it could be. At last 
a smart-looking little boy, who until now sat in one cor- 
ner silent, was asked to guess. After examining the knife 
closely, he turned round, and in a cunning manner, said, 
"Well, I don't know, unless it's because it's dull." 



" How did you break off your front teeth ?" asked a 
visitor of the small boy. 

" I didn't break 'em," replied the youngster. " I was 
just fooling a teeny bit with a horse's tail in the street. 
The man that picked me up got his hands and his vest 
awful bloody. It wasn't my fault." 



" But, mother, dear, is it really true that the world was 
made in six days ?" Mamma: "Yes, Ernie, and if God 
had pleased He could have made it in two days." 
Ernest (after a moment's consideration) : "Oh, mamma, 
that would never have done, you know ; why, we should 
have had Sunday every other day." 



The late Lord H lost his arm at Ligny. After his 

return to England, on the occasion of his dining with his 
brother-in-law at a country vicarage in Kent, his little 
neice, then in the nursery, was cautioned to make no per- 
sonal remark to him on his lost arm. She obeyed orders 
implicitly till she went to kiss him " Good night." Then 
she said : " I haven't said a word about your poor arm, 
have I ?" 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 41 

" Good morning, Tommy," said a lawyer to a little boy. 
"Good morning, sir," said the boy. "What makes you 
carry your head down so ? Why don't you walk with 
your head upright, like me ?" " Have you ever been 
through a field of wheat when it's ripe ?" questioned the 
boy. "Yes, Tommy." "Well, did you notice that some 
of the heads stand up and some hang down ? Those that 
stand up have got no grain in 'em." 



" Good gracious, John !" said a fond mother to her 
son, " that's twice you've come home and forgotten that 
lard !" " So it is," said the boy, "it was so greasy that it 
slipped my memory." 



An unconscious but comical play upon words was made 
by a little girl not long since, while relating to a sympa- 
thizing lady the loss of two pet calves. " What caused 
their death ?" said the lady. " Oh," was the answer, 
" one was hooked to death, and the other died on its own 
hook." 



A gentleman was contending with tiresome prolixity 
that "Art could not improve Nature," when his little 
eight-year-old boy, losing all patience, set the room 
(which was full of company) in a roar by exclaiming: 
" How would you look without your wig?" 

A few days ago two young men were stopped by a 
little boy with, " Young gentlemen, please help the blind." 
"How do you know we are young gentlemen," said one, 
" if you are blind ?" " Oh," said the boy, " I meant deaf 
and dumb /" They gave him a penny. 



" Mamma, how was it that Jacob saw the angels in his 
dream going up to Heaven by a ladder ? I thought angels 
had wings." " So they have, dear." "Then what did 
they want a ladder for ? Were they moulting ?" 



" Halloo !" shouted one boy to another whom he saw 
running wildly down the street. "Halloo ! Are you train- 
ing for a race ?" " No," yelled back the flying boy, " I'm 
racing for a train !" 



42 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 



A gluttonous boy at a children's party shoveled the food 
into his mouth with his knife till he accidentally cut his 
mouth, which was observed by a boy seated opposite, 
who bawled out, " I say, don't cut! that hole in your face 
any larger, or we shall all starve." 




Sammy was a little boy at school in a village far from 
his home. One day his father came to see him, and they 
took a walk together. Meeting the principal of the 
school, Sammy performed the ceremony of introduction, 
" Mr S ," said he, " this is a father of mine," 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 43 

'" Does your sister May ever say anything about me. 
Sissy?" asked an anxious lover of a little girl. "Yes," 
was the reply ; " she said if you had rockers on your 
shoes they'd make such a nice cradle for my doll." 

A little boy brought a visitor into the garden to see a 
hutch he had just finished for his rabbits. The visitor 
admired it very much, and asked him who showed him 
how to do it. " No one," said he ; "I made it all out of 
my own head." "Yes," remarked his younger brother, 
anxious to have a say in the matter, "and he's wood 
enough left for another." 



"What would I do were you to die ?" said a lady to 
her husband, who had just purchased a sealskin sacque 
for her. " Oh, come off !" said the eight-year-old hope- 
ful; "you'd marry that old codger you kissed when pa 
was asleep on the sofa." 

A youth asked permission of his mother to go to a ball. 
She told him it was a bad place for little boys. "Why, 
mother, didn't you and my father use to go to balls when 
you were young ? " " Yes ; but we have seen the folly of 
it," said the mother. "Well, mother," exclaimed the 
son, "I want to see the folly of it, too ! " 

" It is not proper for you to play school, my dear, to- 
day, for it is Sunday." "I know it, mother," replied the 
little girl ; "but it is Sunday-school that I'm playing." 



A little girl was the happy recipient of a velvet cloak, 
of which she was very proud. One day, soon afterwards, 
she was discussing her dresses, their beauty, style, etc., 
when her mother, by way of nipping her vanity in the 
bud, said : " My dear, do you not know that there are 
more important things to talk about than dress ? " 
Quickly she replied, " Oh, yes, mamma : velvet cloaks ! " 

"Joe," said a lady to the milk-boy, "I guess from the 
looks of your milk, that your mother put dirty water in 
it." "No, she didn't, neither; I see'd her draw it clean 
out of the well 'fore she put it in." 



44 SOME FUNNY THINGS. 

Little Fred. Cleveland having just returned from Sunday- 
school asked his mamma to explain to him the mystery of 
the Deity: how Father, Son and Holy Ghost could be 
one. His mother, to quiet his mind, told him that was 
something that had puzzled a great many; that even gray- 
haired men could not explain; whereupon he asked her, 
" Can men without any hair at all tell." 



"Why did Adam bite the apple?" said a schoolmaster 
to a country lad. " ' Cause he had no knife," replied the 
urchin. 



A clergyman praising the soft word that turns away 
wrath, said, " It is with honey that we catch flies." A 
child who heard him remarked, " Yes, to kill 'em." 

A young gentleman who was returning home from a 
night's conviviality about getting-up time, when he entered 
the hall was sufficiently thoughtful to pull off his boots 
before mounting the stairs. He had not proceeded far 
when his little brother, who was watching him over the 
Danisters above, sang out, " Nevermind the noise, George; 
we're all up." 



"What celebrated King ate grass?" asked the Sunday- 
school teacher. 

"Nebuchadnezzar," was the prompt reply. 

" Why did he eat grass ?" 

" ' Cause his mammy cooked it in the greens!" said a 
little boy who had had some experience. 



" Johnnie, have you been fighting ?" gravely inquired a 
fond mother. "No ma'm," promptly answered Johnnie. 
"John Schermerhorn, how dare you tell me an un- 
truth ?" exclaimed his mother. "Where did you get that 
black eye, sir ?" " I traded another boy two front teeth 
and a broken nose for it," replied Johnnie, as he crossed 
the woodpile. 



Two children are "making up " conundrums at a party. 
One asks: " At what time was Adam married?" "Give 
it up.'' "Oh, on his wedding Eve f 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 45 

A clergyman, being recently absent from home on busi- 
ness, his little son clamly folded his hands and asked the 
blessing usually pronounced by his father at their morn- 
ing meal. At noon, being asked to pronounce the bless- 
ing, he replied, with a grave face, " No ; I don't like the 
look o' them taters." 



Master : " First little bov, what is your name ?" 
Boy: "Jule." 

Master: "Oh, no; your name is Julius. Next little 
boy, what is yours?" 

Second Boy: "My name is Bill-ious." 



"Johnny," said a mother to a son nine years old, "go 
and wash your face; I am ashamed to see you coming to 
dinner with so dirty a mouth." " I did wash it, mamma." 
"And feeling his upper lip, he added, grandly, "I think 
it must be a moustache comin°;!" 



The following dialogue is reported between two boys : 
" What do you think ? My father, the other day, shot 
nine hundred and ninety-nine pigeons with one barrel of 
his gun." "Oh! why didn't he say a thousand at once?" 
[Reply, provokingly] : " Do you suppose my father would 
tell a lie just for the sake of one pigeon ?" 



A boy being praised for his shrewdness in replying, a 
person remarked that when children were sharp it fre- 
quently turned out that in after life they became dull and 
stupid, and vice versa. " You must have been a very 
sensible child, sir, I should think," rejoined the boy. 



A boy, having stated that one cannot taste in the dark, 
as Nature intends us to see our food, was nearly floored 
by some one asking, " How is it with a blind man at 
dinner?" But he spontaneously recovered when another 
lad remarked, "Nature has provided him with <?j^-teeth." 



"Why, Georgie, you smoking?" exclaimed an amazed 
mother, who came upon her little son as he was puffing 
away at a cigar. " N — no, ma; I'm only keeping it light- 
ed for another boy." 



46 SOME FUNNY THINGS. 

A gentleman in New Orleans was agreeably surprised 
to find a plump turkey served up for his dinner, and in- 
quired of his servant (a little negro boy) how it was ob- 
tained. "Why, sir," replied the little fellow, "dat turkey 
has been roosting on our fence tree nights, so dis mornin' 
I seize him for de rent ob de fence." 



Clergyman 's Wife (who takes great interest in her in- 
dustrial school): " Jane Brown, I'm sorry to hear from 
your mistress that you are not diligent at your needle 
work. Now you know who it is that finds work for idle 
hands to do?" Jane Brow?i (artfully thinking to pro- 
pitiate): "Yes'm. Yeou deu, 'm!" 

In a panic in a public school, caused by the cry of 
"Fire!" one little girl sat perfectly still. On being asked 
why she did so, she said, " My father is a fireman, and 
told me, if the school should be afire, I would be far 
safer to sit in my place until the rush was over, and then 
get out quietly." 

School Superinte?ident : " This, brethren, is my best boy, 
who brings home all his wages to his mother. Now, 
Sam, why do you bring home all your wages to your 
mother? Speak up, Sam." "Cause she'd beat me if I 
didn't." 



A child's logic is not to be despised. His mind is 
quick enough to see the folly of much of the reasoning of 
his seniors. A little son of a friend of mine asked his 
parents to take him to church with them. They said he 
must wait until he was older. "Well," was his shrewd 
suggestion in response, " you'd better take me now ; for 
when I get bigger I may not want to go." 



Tommy was a little rogue, whom his mother had hard 
work to manage. Tommy, to escape a well deserved 
whipping, ran from his mother and crept under the sofa. 
Presently the father came home, and hearing where the 
boy had taken refuge, crept under to bring him out. As 
he approached on his hands and knees, Tommy asked, " Is 
she after you, too ? " 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 47 

" How like it's father it is!" exclaimed the nurse, on 
the occasion of the christening of a baby whose father was 
over seventy, and had married a young wife. "Very 
likely," replied an e?ifant terrible; "it hasn't a tooth in 
it's head." 



A little boy and his sister were in the habit of collect- 
ing the eggs from the hen-house. They had been cau- 
tioned not to take away the nest-egg; but one morning 
the little girl re-ached the nest first, seized an egg, and 
started for the house. Her disappointed brother followed 
crying, " Mother! Mother! Susy's been and got the egg 
the old hen measures by!" 

A little boy who was told not to ask for things at table, 
had enjoyed his pudding very much. "Mamma," said 
he, " if Johnny were asked if he would have some more 
pudding, Johnny would say, Yes." 

A little girl once heard her mother remark that she 
thought a certain lady's daughters made very poor 
matches. "Well, then, mamma," inquired the young 
Hopeful, "why don't they get better sulphur?" 



"What is the baby crying about, Maggie?" Maggie: 
" I don't know, mamma." Mamma : " And what are 
you looking so indignant Libout ?" Maggie' "That 
nasty dog's been and took and eat my sponge-cake !" 
Mamma: " Why, I saw you eating sponge-cake just a 
minute ago !" Maggie : " Oh, that was baby's !" 



Lady (with an eye for the picturesque) : " How old are 
you, my little boy ?" Little Darkey : " Well, if you goes 
by what mudder says, I's six ; but if you goes by de fun 
I's hadl'se most a hundred." 



A school girl was overheard trying to convince a school- 
fellow that she liked him better than she did some other 
urchins, of whom he seemed jealous. "Of course I like 
you better than I do Jack," she said ; "for don't I miss 
words in my spelling lesson on purpose, so as to be down 
at the foot of the class where you are ?" 



48 SOME FUNNY THINGS. 

" I don't believe there is anybody that never heard the 
' Old Hundred,' " said a musical young lady. "I do; 
lots of 'em," responded her precocious young brother. 
"Where are they!" "In the deaf and dumb asylums!" 

The editor of a juvenile paper recently received the 
following flattering testimonial from a little boy sub- 
scriber : " Please stop your paper. Our Annie died on 
Monday after reading your last number." 

" Can you tell me where the wicked boys go who fish 
on Sunday ?" asked a sober-looking gentleman of a little 
chap who had worms and a rod. " Yes ; some of 'em 
goes to the river, and them as is very wicked goes to the 
lake. I'll show you the best place at the lake." 

The requests of children are fearfully mixed. Jack, 
who is at a boarding-school in the country, writes home : 
" Please send me a good trap to catch birds, and a piece 
of carpet to say my prayers on." 

" If a man bequeathed you a thousand dollars, would 
you pray for him ?" said a Sunday-school teacher to a 
pupil. "No," said he ; " I w r ould pray for another like 
him." 



A little girl unconsciously and touchingly testified to 
the excessive drudgery of her mother's life, when, on being 
asked, " Is your mother's hair gray?" she replied, " I don't 
know. She's too tall for me to see the top of her head, 
and she never sits down." 

" Papa," said a bright boy, just home from a sleight-of- 
hand entertainment, "I wish I was a conjurer!" "Why, 
my son?" " I would turn you into a rat, call up the cat, 
and wouldn't I have a lark!" 



Old Bachelor Uncle: "Well, Charlie, what do you want 
now?" Charlie: " Oh, I want to be rich!" Uncle: "Rich! 
Why so?" Charlie: " Because I want to be petted; ma 
says you are an old idiot, but must be petted because you 
are rich. But it's a great secret, and I mustn't tell." 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 49 

Beautiful Yoimg Lady (making a pie) : " Frank, the 
kitchen is no place for young men. Has dough such an 
attraction for you?" Frank: "It isn't the dough, cousin, 
it's the deer." 



Lady Visitor (to little girl of the period): "My dear, is 
your mamma engaged?" Little girl: "Engaged? Why, 
bless you, she's married!" 

" I have never known but two women who were really 
perfect," said one lady to another. " Who was the other?" 
asked a ten-year-old child standing by. 



Said the little pet of the household on her last birthday: 
" It's a lovely doll, dear grandpa and grandma; but I've 
been hoping it would be twins!" 



A Sunday-school teacher put the question, " How did 
the Lord punish Adam for his disobedience in the Gar- 
den of Eden?" A smart urchin replied, "Please, sir, He 
turned him out of the garden, took a rib from his body, 
and with it made a wife." 



" Now, children," said a school-teacher, "I want you to 
be so quiet that you can hear a pin drop." All became 
still in a moment, when a little urchin cried: " Now, then, 
let her drop!" 

Somebody whistled. Teacher calls up a big boy on sus- 
picion. Big boy comes up and holds out his hand sullen 
and savage. Noble little boy comes manfully forward, 
and says: "I'm the boy that whistled, sir,'' at the same 
time extending his hand. Teacher cools down and lets 
them both off. (Mem: Noble little boy thought teacher 
wouldn't thrash him if he told the truth, but knew the big 
boy would if he didn't.) 



"Come, come!" said a distracted father, who had en- 
dured the children's noise till patience ceased to be a 
virtue; "there's no reason why you should scream and 
holloo so." "Why, father," said one of the little fellows, 
" don't you know this is a holler day?" 



5o SOME FUNNY THINGS. 

Mamma: "Well, Johnny, I shall forgive you this time; 
and it's very pretty of you to write a letter to say you're 
sorry." Johtiny: "Yes, ma; don't tear it up, please." 
Mamma: "Why Johnny?" Johmiy: " Because it will do 
for next time." 



A little girl, noticing the glittering gold-filling in her 
aunt's front teeth, exclaimed, "Aunt Mary, I wish I had 
copper-toed teeth, like yours." 



A negro-boy, six years of age, has a picture primer to 
teach him his letters. One of the pictures is that of a bull 
chasing a boy, which the little Ethiop watches from day 
today, gleefully exclaiming, "He ha'n't cotched him. 
yit!" 



" My son," said a mother to her young hopeful, "did' 
you wish your teacher a happy New Year?" " No, mam- 
ma," responded the boy. "Well, why not?" "Because,"' 
said the youth, "she isn't happy unless she's wolloping; 
some of us boys, and I was afraid if I wished her happi- 
ness she'd go for me." 



"You have broken the Sabbath, Johnny," said a good 
man to his son. "Yes," said his little sister, " and 
mother's long comb, too, right in three pieces!" 



A school boy being asked by the teacher how he should 
flog him, replied: "If you please, sir, I should like to 
have it upon the Italian system of penmanship — the heavy 
stroke upwards and the downward light." 

A Sunday-school teacher asked a little boy if he knew 
what the expression, " sowing tares, meant?" " Courth I 
does!" said he, pulling the seat of his trousers round in 
front; "there's a tear my ma sewed, I teared it when I 
was slidin' down hill." 



Schoolmistress: " Johnny, I'm ashamed of you! When 
I was your age I could read as well as I do now." "Ah, 
but you'd a different teacher to wot we've got!" responded 
the bad boy at the foot of the class. 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 5 

A little child who had learned the verses, " Twinkle, 
twinkle, little star, "when asked where his little brother was, 
who had died, answered, " He's gone to the twinkles." 

" I say, mister, wasn't you born in the middle of the 
week?" asked an impudent boy of a man with a severe 
pair of cross-eyes. "No, you little scamp! Why?" 
" 'Cause I see you're allers looking both ways for Sun- 
day." 

A little three-year-old, in a fit of temper called his 
papa "a fool." Papa looked very grave, and presently 
was called out of the room. Mamma, embracing the op- 
portunity to impress upon the young Hopeful the im- 
propriety, said papa felt very badly, and he must kiss him 
and say he was sorry. So when his papa returned 
Charlie rushed up to him, with his little face all covered 
with smiles, and kissing him over and over again, ex- 
claimed : " Papa, I's so sorry you's a fool !" 

A little boy had a pony and a dog, and his generosity 
was often tried by visitors asking him (just to see what he 
would say) to give them one, or both, of his pets. One 
day he told a gentleman present he might have his pony, 
reserving the dog, much to the surprise of his mother, 
who asked, " Why, Tommy, why didn't you give him the 
dog ?" " Say nothin', say nothin', mother ; when he 
goes to get the pony, I'll set the dog on him." 

" Is that clock right over there ?" asked a visitor the 
other day. "Right over there," said the boy; " 'taint 
nowhere else." 



Stingy Aunt : " Well, Jack, have you enjoyed your- 
self ?" Jack: "Oh, yes, aunt; but I wish I hadn't 
come. Brother Jim is sure to cry ' halves ' when I get 
home ; and when I say you didn't give me nothing he'll 
punch me for a story-teller !" 

Little Freddie has a cat of which he is very fond. The 
other day Kitty scratched him, when he remarked : " I 
love pussy, but I don't love to have her puss me." 



52 SOME FUNNY THINGS. 

A young rogue accidentally broke a pane in a window, 
and attempted as fast as he could to get out of the way, 
but he was followed and seized by the proprietor, who ex- 
claimed: "You young rascal, you broke my window!" 
"I know I did," said the lad, "and didn't you see me 
running home for the money to pay for it ?" 

A gentleman, meeting a pretty little child on the 
Parade at Brighton, was so struck with her appearance 
that he bought her some sweets. After giving her two 
or three he said, "there, you mustn't have any more, be- 
cause you are such a little girl." The child, who was by 
no means satisfied with the number she had received, at 
once replied, " I'm a little girl, but I've got a big 
stomach." 

" Harry, you ought not to throw away nice bread like 
that; you may want it some day." 

"Well, mother, should I stand any better chance of 
getting it then if I ate it now?" 

" Never put of till to-morrow what can be done to- 
day," said an advising mother to her child. " Well, then, 
mamma, let's eat the mince-pie that's in the cupboard," 
was the child's precocious reply. 

"What's the matter with your eye, Charlie?" said a 
fond mamma to her son. "Oh," said the youth, "it's 
only been going through an operation at the hands of a 
knockulist ; that's all." 



A country boy was sent to call a gentleman to dinner, 
and found him using a tooth brush. "Well," said the 
landlady when the boy returned, " is he coming ?" " Yes, 
mum, d'rec'ly ; he's just sharpening his teeth." 

A schoolmaster, out of curiosity, put the question to 
the scholars : " What is nothing ?" A pause ensued, until 
an urchin, whose proclivities for turning a penny were 
well known among his schoolfellows, got up and replied, 
"It's when a man asks you to hold his horse and jest says 
'Thankye.'" 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 53 

Scene in an omnibus. Little Ella and her mamma. 
Elderly lady gives Ella a tract. Ella : li What is that for, 
mamma?" Mamma: " To make you good, dear." 
Ella (after a moment's pause) : " Ah," (returning the 
tract to her mamma) " Give it to papa." 



An old physician was descanting the other day upon 
the propensity which a majority of people display for eat- 
ing unripe fruit and vegetables. " There is not a vege- 
table growing in our gardens that is not best when arrived 
at maturity," said he ; " and most of them are injurious 
unless ripe." " I know one thing that ain't so good when 
it's ripe as when it's green," interrupted a little boy, in a 
very confidential but modest manner. " What's that ?" 
said the physician sharply, vexed at having his principle 
disputed by a mere boy. "A cucumber," responded the 
lad. 



A little girl lately wrote to her friend : " Yesterday a 
little baby sister arrrived, and papa is on a journey. It 
was but a piece of luck that mamma was at home to take 
care of it." 



A gentleman, being at table, forgot to help his little 
boy, upon which the child said to him : ll Poppy, please 
to give me some salt." " For what," said the father. 
" For the meat you're going to give me," said the boy. 

A boy of five years was " playing railroad " with his 
sister of two and a half years. Drawing her upon a foot- 
stool, he imagined himself both the driver and the guard. 
After imitating the puffing noise of the steam, he stopped 
and called out, %" New York," and, in a moment after, 
"Boston," and then "Philadelphia. His knowledge of 
towns was now exhausted, and at the next place he cried 
"Paradise." His little sister said, eagerly : "'Top ! dat's 
a nice place, I dess ; I'll dit out here." 

A little girl, who had often heard her mother speak of 
her father, who was somewhat bald, as being a self-made 
man, asked her one day if her father was a self-made 
man, why he didn't put more hair on his head. 



54 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 



" Aunty, I saw a gentleman in the reading-room busy 
with two volumes at once." "Why, Charlie, how was 
that ?" " He had a volume of Macaulay in one hand, 
and a volume of smoke comin' out of his mouth." 




A boy and a girl of tender years were disputing as to 
what their " mothers could do." Getting impatient, the 
little damsel blurted out by way of climax, and as a clinch- 
er, " Well there's one tiling my mother can do that yours 
can't: my mother can take every one of her teeth out at 
once." 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 55 

A little girl, visiting Niagara with her father, and seeing 
the foam at the foot of the falls, exclaimed, " Pa, how 
much soap it must take to make so much suds !" 

"Did I not give you a flogging the other day?" asked 
a schoolmaster of a trembling boy. "Yes, sir," answered 
the boy. "Well, what do the Scriptures say upon the 
subject ?" " I don't know, sir," said the boy, " except it 
is in that passage which says, ' It's more blessed to give 
than to receive.' " 



A gentleman, who had suffered amputation of the nose, 
was invited out to tea. " My dear," said the good 
woman of the house to her little daughter, " I want you to 
be very particular, and to make no remark about Mr. 
Jenkins' nose." Gathered about the table, everything 
was going well ; the child peeped about, looked rather 
puzzled, and at last startled the table : " Ma, why did you 
tell me to say nothing about Mr. Jenkins' nose ? he hasn't 
got any." 



" Happy is the country that has no history," as the 
schoolboy said, on being flogged the third time for not 
knowin'g who was Henry the Sixth's wife. 



A schoolboy remarks that when his teacher undertakes 
to " show him what is what," he only finds out which is 
switch. 



A conjurer selected from the audience a bright little 
fellow to assist him in his experiments. " Sir," said he, 
" do you think I could put the money which the lady 
holds into your coat-pocket ?" " No," said the boy, con- 
fidentially, " I think not ?" " I know you couldn't," said 
the little boy, with great firmness. " Why not ?" " Cause 
the pocket's torn out." 



A venerable young gentleman, four years old, recently 
threw his maternal relative into a fit of admiration by the 
following speech : "I like most kind of cake — pound 
cake, sponge cake and twelfth cake ; but I don't like 
stomach cake." 



56 SOME FUNNY THINGS. 

The son of a celebrated Hebrew singer, when only five 
years old, had a wonderful aptitude for music, and a 
charming voice. At a party one evening a friend asked 
the child to sing, which the young gentleman declined to 
do without being paid. " Well, my little dear," said the 
gentleman, ''what do you ask for a song?" " Sixpence," 
lisped the child. "Sixpence!" responded the other. 
" Can't you sing me one for less ?" " No," returned the 
little innocent, " I can't take less for one ; but I'll sing 
you three for a shilling." 



" Zephaniah," asked a country schoolmaster, as he was 
interrogating a scholar concerning the names of the sover- 
eigns of the various kingdoms throughout the world, "can 
you tell me who is the Emperor of Russia ?" " Wigtoria." 
was the reply. "And who is the Dey of Algiers?" 
"Thunder and Mars !" cried the astonished boy, grinning 
from ear to ear ; " I've heard tell of the Day of Judg- 
ment, the Thanksgiving day and the Day of Pentecost, 
but I never heard of the Day of Algiers afore." 

A bevy of children were telling their father what they 
got at school. The eldest got grammar, geography, arith- 
metic, etc. The next got reading, spelling and* defini- 
tions. "And what do you get, my little soldier?" said the 
father to a rosy-cheeked little fellow, who was at that 
moment slyly driving a tenpenny nail into a door-panel. 
" Me ? Oh, I get readin', spellin', and lickings." 



" Mamma, here's a word in the paper I want to know. 
What is homicide ?" "A homicide, child, is one who 
murders another." "Well, ma, when Jack Nebb killed 
our old Tom cat, that was a Tommycide, wasn't it ?" 



A short time ago a little boy went with his father to see 
a colt. He patted the colt's head, and made quite a fuss 
over it until the stableman told him to be careful that 
the colt did not turn around and kick him. When young 
Hopeful went home his mother asked him what he 
thought about the colt. "I like him pretty well," was 
the reply. " He's very tame in front, but he's awful wild 
behind." 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 57 

" First class in mechanics, stand up : How many 
kinds of wheels are there ?" " Please, sir, I know : 
three kinds." "What are they?" "Carriage wheels, 
car wheels, and weal cutlets." " Smart boy ! Go to your 
seat, and after school we will see if you can discover the 
connecting link between brown birch and long division. 

A little girl, when her father's table was honored with 
an esteemed guest, began talking very earnestly at the 
first pause of the conversation. Her father checked her 
very sharply, saying, "Why is it that you talk so much ?" 
" Tause I've dot somesin' to say," was the innocent 
reply. 

A child, while walking through an art gallery with her 
mother, was attracted by a statue of Minerva. "Who is 
that ?" said she. " My child, that is Minerva, the Goddess 
of Wisdom." " Why didn't they make her husband, too ?" 
"Because she had none, my child." " That was because 
she was wise, wasn't it, mamma ?" was the artless reply. 

A gentleman, being threatened with an infectious fever, 
said to his little son, who, in an affectionate mood, wished 
to embrace him, " You musn't hug me ; you'll catch the 
fever." Willie looked in amazement at his papa, who, 
by the way, is a model of propriety, and quickly asked, 
" Why, papa, who did you hug ?" 



As they passed a gentleman whose optics were terribly 
on the bias, little Dot murmured, " Ma, he's got one eye 
that don't go." 



A boy was teasing his little brother about the shape of 
his nose, when the little fellow quietly remarked: "I 
can't help it; I didn't buy it myself; it was a birthday 
present." 



Teacher : "What part of speech is the word egg?" 
Boy (hesitatingly) : " Noun, sir." " Teacher : "What is 
it's gender?" Boy (perplexed) : "Can't tell, sir." 
Teacher: "Is it masculine, feminine, or neuter?" Boy 
(looking bright) : " Can't say, sir, till it's hatched." 



58 SOME FUNNY THINGS. 

"Mamma, what does M. D. mean when it comes after 
the doctor's name ? Does it mean money down ?" 

A sharp boy said of a gentleman with very large under- 
standings, that he would have been a very tall man if so 
much of his legs hadn't been turned up for feet. 

A bright-eyed little fellow, on being asked by his 
youngest sister why the running of so many rivers into 
the sea didn't fill the sea up and make it run over, re- 
plied: "Why, its the sponges; the sea is full of sponges 
way down at the bottom, and they suck up all the water, 
so it can't drip over." 

" Do fish ever go to sleep?" asked a fair-haired little 
maiden of her brother. " I should think so," said the 
wee fellow; "they're always in the bed of the river." 

A little girl went timidly into a shop and asked the 
shopman how many shoestrings she could get for a penny. 
"How long do you want them?" he asked. "I want 
them to keep," was the answer, in a tone of slight sur- 
prise. 



Miss Ethel : "Mamma, dear, I think I shall be a 
duchess." " What nonsense, Ethel ! what do you mean ?" 
Ethel : "Why, how would it be if I married a Dutch- 
man?" 



" Mother," said a little four-year-old, " what season of 
the year was it when Adam and Eve were in the Garden 
of Eden ?" " I don't know, my dear, unless it was sum- 
mer, a perpetual summer." "Oh no, mamma ; it must 
have been in the autumn, for, you know, apples were 
ripe." 



" Dan," said a little four-year-old, " give me sixpence 
to buy a monkey." "We've got a monkey in the house 
now," replied the elder brother. "Who is it, Dan?" 
asked the little fellow." "You," was the reply. "Then 
give me sixpence to buy the monkey some nuts." His 
brother could not resist. 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 59 

Evangeli?ie : " Grandpa, dear, do'ee tell Jack not to 
kill that poorboobottle !" Grandpa (delighted) : "And 
why not, my darling ?" Evangeline : " Because — because 
I want to kill him myself." 

A school-teacher lately asked a boy, " Which is the 
highest dignitary of the church." After looking up and 
down, north and east, south and west, the boy replied, 
"The weather-cock." 



" Frederick, my brave boy, how well you rode your 
pony to-day ? his amble is really superb, and goes before 
everything." Son : " Oh, no, papa ! I know an amble 
that will go before anything he can do." Papa : " Ah ! 
really ! what is that ?" " Why, dad, a preamble." 



Messenger Boy: "Let's have a game of marbles." 
Second Ditto: "I'm in a great hurry; this letter is of great 
importance." First Ditto: "If it's bad news, the longer 
they wait the better; and letters with good news never 
are in a hurry." 

"Why so late ?" said a schoolmaster to a little urchin, 
as he entered the room on a cold, slippery morning in 
February. "Why, sir," replied the boy, "I would take 
one step forward and slip back two." "Indeed!" said 
the teacher, " then how did you get here at all, if that 
was the case?" "Oh," said the boy, scratching his head 
and finding himself caught, " I turned round and walked 
the other way." 

Teacher (in loud tones) : " What is your name ?" 
"Boy (in weak voice) : Johnny Welk, sir." "How old 
are you, Johnny Welk?" "Twelve years old, sir." 
" Now, John, tell me who made this grand and glorious 
universe." "Don't know, sir." "What! twelve years 
old, and don't know who made this noble sphere ! James 
Smith, go and cut me a whip." The birch was brought, 
and held over the trembling boy. In thundering tones 
the teacher demanded '• " Now, tell me who made this 
great world we live in ?" In a tearful voice Johnny 
answered : " I did, sir, but I won't do it again !" 



6o SOME FUNNY THINGS. 

" Please, Mr. Smith, papa wants to know if you won't 
lend him a model of your hat?" " Certainly, my son; 
what for?" " He wants to make a scarecrow to keep the 
crows out of our cornfield." 



"What's a life insurance ?" asked one boy of another. 
" Well, I s'pose," said his companion, "it's a concern 
that keeps a man poor all the time he's alive, so that he 
may die rich." 

Little Pat was in the habit of falling out of bed during 
the night, and his father, to break him of the habit, would 
remind him of it the next morning. One day, as usual, 
his father said to him: " Here, Pat, you fell out ot bed 
again." "Oh, no, papa," said Pat; " it was the pillow; 
for I went up to see, and the pillow was on the floor by 
the side of the bed." "What made you cry, then?" 
asked his father. " Well, you, see," said Pat, in his most 
sober manner, " it was dark, and I couldn't tell whether 
it was me or the pillow." 

Lady (in fashionable dress) : " Little boy, can I go 
through this gate to the river?" Boy: " Perhaps; a load 
of hay went through this morning." 

"Jim," said a little boy who was boasting of his fath- 
er's new house, " we have got such a fine portico, and 
mahogany doors, and plate glass windows, and on the top 
is a cupola, and it's going to have something else ." "What 
is it?" asked his interested companion. "Why, I heard 
father tell mother this morning that it's to have a mort- 
gage on it." 

A little boy was advised by his father to use illustra- 
tions in his conversation whenever they should occur to 
him. "For," continued the parent, "there is no more forcible 
way of conveying or expressing your meaning." Shortly 
after, the boy was being lectured on generosity. " It's 
better to give than to receive, Johnny, far better. The 
Bible says so, and I say so." "Illustrate it, papa, I 
shall understand it better." Father could not see the 
application. 



SOME FUNNY THINGS. 61 

A lady saw a little boy pinching his younger brother, 
who was crying bitterly. " Why, my boy," said she to 
the young tormentor, " don't you know you're doing very 
wrong? What would you do if you should kill your lit- 
tle brother?" "Why," he replied, "of course I should 
put on my new black coat and go to the funeral." 

" Where are you going ?" asked a little boy of another, 
who had slipped and fallen on an icy pavement. " Going 
to get up !" was the blunt reply. 



" My boy, what does your mother do for a living?" was 
asked of a bare-footed urchin, " she eats cold victuals, 
sir." 

Aunt: " Has any one been at these preserves?" Jimmy 
(with the utmost deliberation): " Pa never 'lows me to 
talk at dinner." 

One day, up the Thames, a party of gentleman, troll- 
ing on the banks with bad luck, espied a little fellow with 
a red shirt and a straw hat, dangling a line over the side 
of a boat. " Halloo, boy," said one, " what are you 
doing?" "Fishing," came the answer. " Well, of course," 
said the gentleman; "but what do you catch?" "Fish, 
sir; what d'ye 'spose?" 



In a little town in the south of England a lady teacher 
was exercising a class of juveniles in mental arithmetic. 
She commenced the question: " If you buy a cow for two 

pounds" when up came a little hand. "What is it, 

Johnny?" " Why, you can't buy no kind of a cow for 
two pounds. Father sold one for ten pounds the other 
day, and she was a regular old scrub at that." 



"Grandpa, does hens make their own eggs?" "Yes, 
indeed they do, Jimmy." " An' do they always put 
the yolk in the middle?" "Guess they do, Jimmy." 
" An' do they put the starch around it to keep the yellow 
from rubbing off?" " Quite likely, my little boy." "An' 
who sews the covers on?" This stumped the old gentle- 
man, and he barricaded Jimmy's mouth with a lollipop. 



62 SOME FUNNY THINGS. 

" Oh, ma, see! Bill Smith's going up the street! Don't 
he look just like a costermonger?" " Yes, my son; that 
is because he associates with them. Every boy will learn 
to be like those he associates with." Johnny looks thought- 
ful, and mamma thinks she has made quite an impression. 
A few days after papa says to mamma: " There goes Joe 
Williams, looking down to the ground as usual; I wonder 
what makes him always have such a sheepish look?" " I 
know," shouted Johnny from the corner. "It's because 
he 'sociated with sheeps when he was a little boy." 

A little grand-nephew of Prince Bismarck was sitting on 
the prince's knee one day, when he suddenly cried out: 
" Oh, uncle, I hope I shall be a great man, like you, when 
I grow up!" " Why, my child?" asked his uncle? "Be- 
cause you are so great, and every one fears you." 
''Wouldn't you rather every one loved you?" The child 
thought a little, and then replied, "No, uncle; for when 
people love you, they cheat you, but when they fear you 
they let you cheat them." 

Said a teacher: " And it came to pass, when the king 
heard it, that he rent his clothes. Now, what does that 
mean, children, ; he rent his clothes?' " Up went a little 
hand. " Well, if you know, tell us." "Please, ma'am," 
said the child, timidly, "I s'pose he hired 'em out." 



Mr. Brown took home a splendid doll one day for his 
little daughter. It was provided with that wonderful 
piece of mechanism which enabled it, on being squeezed, 
to emit the squeaking sound supposed to imitate the 
human voice, so dear to childhood. That same evening 
the son and heir was sitting on his father's knee, and 
several times pressed his small fist upon his parent's shirt- 
front. Making no effect, he looked up in the paternal 
face, saying. "Father?" "Yes; what is it, my child?" 
"Why don't you squeak, father?" 



"It's a poor rule that won't work both ways," ex- 
claimed the boy, as he threw the ferule at the school- 
master's head. 



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-: OE : 



Jfoao to SSuifeL a <HouJ>e. 



PRICE, 25 CENTS. 



A NEAT, NEW BOOK CONTAINING OVER THIRTY FINELY 
EXECUTED ENGRAVINGS OF DWELLINGS, OF 
ALL SIZES, FROM TWO ROOMS UP; ALSO 
CHURCHES, BARNS AND OUT- 
HOUSES, IN GREAT 
VARIETY. 



This handy, compact and very useful volume contains, in addition to the 
foregoing, plans for each floor in each and every dwelling of which an en- 
graving is given. It has, also, valuable information relative to building con- 
tracts, tells how to calculate for everything in connection witha building, such 
as number of shingles required in a roof, quantity of plaster for a house, quan- 
tity of materials required for building a house, etc., etc., and much other in- 
formation of permanent and practical value. 

Any one of the plans is alone worth very much more than the price asked 
for the book. It is invaluable to every architect, builder, mason or carpenter, 
and particularly do we urge all who anticipate erecting a new or remodeling 
an old dwelling to send for a copy, as its fortunate possessor may save hun- 
dreds of dollars by following the suggestions it contains. 

B3P* It .will be sent, post paid, on receipt of price, by 

J. S. OGILVLE & CO., Publishers, 

31 Rose Street, New York. 



THE PEOPLE'S LIBRARY. 



Number. Price. 

100— FOR LOVE OR GOLD 1 By Miss Jennie S. Alcott 20c 

101— THAT AMAZING PROFESSOR 10c 

102— A HAPPY RELEASE. Bv the author of " Constance Dare " 10c 

103— HER DARING VENTURE. By author of " Mildred's Mistake "..10c 

104— THE FIGURE IN THE CORNER. By Miss M. E. Braddoh 10c 

105— DARKEST BEFORE DAWN 10c 

106— LADY AUDLEY'S SECRET. By Miss M. E. Braddon 20c 

107— "CASH SEVENTEEN." By Sophy S. Burr 10c 

108— WIFE OR WIDOW J By the author of " The Missiug Diainouds."10c 

109— GILT AND GOLD. By the author of "A Wife's Honor." 10c 

110— A WIFE'S ORDEAL. By Emma S, Southworth .10c 

111— SOUGHT AND SAVED. By M. A. Pauli 20c 

112— THE MISSING DIAMONDS. By the author of ' : Wife or Widow ?"10c 

113— BY FAITH ALONE. Br Nellie F. Haynes 10c 

114— THE MYSTERY OF CEDAR COURT 10c 

115— MAB TARLETON'S TRIAL 10c 

116— HER FIRST LOVE. By the author of "Miss Litton's Lovers "..10c 
117— MRS. CAUDLE'S CURTAIN LECTURES. By Douglas Jerrold. . .10c 

118— HEIRESS TO A MILLION 10c 

119-COBWEBS AND CABLES. (Part Second). By Hesba Stretton....l5c 

120— LIONEL FRANKLIN'S VICTORY. By E. Van Sommer 20c 

121— V, 7 AS HE SEVERE 1 By Mrs. Henry Wood 10c 

122— BRENDA YORKE. By Mary Cecil Hav * 10c 

123— THE SAD FORTUNES OF THE REV. AMOS BARTON. 

By George Eliot 10c 

124— THE HAUNTED MAN. By Charles Dickens 10c 

125— OWEN'S HOBBY. By Elmer Burleigh 20c 

126— LADY MARABOUT'S TROUBLES. By "Ouida" 10c 

127- A CHRISTMAS CAROL. By Charles Dickeus 10c 

128— THAT BEAUTIFUL LADY. By the author of "Dora Thorne". . . .10c 

129— CHRISTO WELL. Bv R. D Blackmore 20c 

130— THE THREE COUSINS. By Mrs. May Asrnes Fleming 10c 

131— THE LOST BANK-NOTE. By Mrs. Henry Wood 10c 

132— MACON MOORE. By Judson R. Taylor 20c 

133-DICK NETHERBY. By L. B. W T alford 10c 

134— A GOLDEN DAWN. By the author of "Dora Thorne" 10c 

135— THE FARMER'S DAUGHTERS 10c 

136— MY DARLING'S RANSOM. By Richard Dowling 10c 

137— WEDDED AND PARTED. By the author of "Dora Thorne"... . . .10c 

138— HIS SECRET. By Miss M. E. Braddon 10c 

139— A FROZEN SEA. By Wilkie Collins 10c 

140— MARJORIE'S TRIAL. By the author of "A Cunning Woman".. . .10o 

141— RETURNED TO LIFE. By Gerald Burre 10c 

142— A TERRIBLE MISTAKE. By the author of "Dora Thorne". 10c 

143— THE CLOVEN FOOT. By Miss M. E. Braddon 20c 

144— NUMA ROUMESTAN. By Alphonse Daudet 10c 

145— YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE. By Wilkie Collins 10c 

146— THE CAPTAINS' ROOM. By Walter Besant and James Rice. .. .10c 

147— TOM YORKE'S LEGACY. By Edward Garrett 10c 

148— A DOUBLE BOND. By Linda Villari .10c 

149— HIS GREAT" REVENGE " ... .10c 

150— DIED YOUNG. By Elmer E. Russell 10c 

T51— HIS PHANTOM BRIDE 10c 

152— TWO KISSES. By the author of "Dora Thorne". ... 10c 

153— "A BAND OF THREE.'' By L. T. Meade.. . . 10c 

154— THE WHITE NUN. By author of " The Bondage of Brandon ". . 10c 
155— LOVE'S SACRIFICE. By W. G. Walenn 10c 

Full sets of The People's Library always on band, and for 

Bale by 

«T. IS. OG-ziiVZE cfe Oo., Publisher* 

P. ©. Box 2767. 35 Rose street. New Torh. 



Something to Bead! 

$10.00 WOETH FOR $1.50! 



We desire to call the attention of lovers of pure fiction to 
the fact that we now offer, in bound book form, the following 
seven complete storios, written by 

Mrs. Henry Wood, 

one of the most popular and pleasing authors in the world, 
and which are usually sold, in book form, for from $1.25 to 
$1.50 EACH. 

We offer the Seven Stories, bound in handsome English 
cloth, with elegant ornamental gold side and back stamp, 
seat by mail, post-paid, to any address, for only $1.50! Bound 
in heavy paper covers, $1.00. 

List of Stories we send for $1.50 s 

East Lynne ; 

A Life's Secret; 

The Tale of Sin; 

Was He Severe? 

Tht Lost Bank-Note; 

The Doctor's Daughter-; 
The Haunted Tower* 

These stories are printed on fine heavy paper, from large, 
new type, and we guarantee satisfaction in every respect to all 
purchasers. 

Ask your bookseller for " SOMETHING TO BEAD," puV 
lished by us; or send $1.50 to us and we will send them by 
mail, post-paid. 

The stories are not sold separately est this poem. We 
want Agents to sell them in every town and village in th« 
whole land, to whom we offer liberal terms. 

Address all orders and applications for Agency to 

J. S. OGILVIE & CO., Publishers, 

P. O. Box 2767, 35 Hose Street New York 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

027 249 981 5] 



I 



